Taeui’s cheeks flushed bright red with embarrassment, but he sighed and smiled. Being treated so attentively, he couldn’t just stand by and do nothing. Taeui gently placed his hand on Xinlu’s thigh, slowly moving it up to his hip. Seeing this, Xinlu chuckled.

“Hyung, that tickles! It really does, haha. Just lie still. It’s going to get exhausting soon, so at least let me take care of everything for you now.”

“…….Hmm……. no, it’s not tiring at all……. You’re so light, there’s nothing tiring about it.”

Taeui could easily bear Xinlu’s weight. Besides, if it was just a position with Xinlu on top, there’d be no problem at all. Or was Xinlu thinking of trying some strange position Taeui hadn’t even heard of?

Taeui felt a hint of hesitation, but he soon chuckled as well. Physical intimacy was something that needed time to explore gradually. Just then, Xinlu moved down to Taeui’s stomach, smiling slightly as he noticed Taeui’s reaction. Then, Xinlu wrapped both hands around him and immediately took the tip into his mouth.

Taeui flinched as if he might leap up. As he tried to sit up, Xinlu whispered in a deep, husky voice.

“Stay still, just stay there, hyung……. You’ve never tried this before, have you? It’s okay. All you need to do is stay right there. I won’t make you do anything today. I’ll make sure you’re comfortable.”

Taeui looked at Xinlu, his face flushed with excitement, and finally let go of that last bit of pride. Honesty was always the best path.

“No, I like it when you take the lead like this, and I’m grateful too. But I also want to do something for you. Besides, didn’t you say it’s been a while since you had the chance? So, you should relax first. Otherwise, it’ll be tiring……. and not exactly easy either.”

Taeui stroked Xinlu’s hair affectionately, as if finding him irresistibly cute. At that moment, Xinlu, who had been gently teasing Taeui, suddenly paused. He looked up at Taeui, maintaining his position, with a look of subtle mischief and blinked quietly.

“I even brought some lubricant. Come here; let me help.”

“……..”

Xinlu silently released Taeui, pausing in thought, looking somewhat flustered as he used his thumb to wipe away the lingering moisture at the corner of his mouth.

“…….Taeui-hyung.”

“Hm?”

“I……..”

“What is it?”

Seeing that Xinlu seemed hesitant, as if wanting to say something but holding back, Taeui quickly asked, worried there might be something Xinlu was uncomfortable sharing. Even though he was feeling a bit excited, he was ready to step back if Xinlu suddenly felt anxious and wanted to wait until another time.

However, Xinlu’s face didn’t show any fear or anxiety. Instead, he looked deeply conflicted, glancing at Taeui with a slightly troubled expression before carefully speaking.

“I……. do you remember I once told you that I had been with other men before?”

“Yes, I remember. …….Ah. If you’re feeling uncomfortable, just say so, okay? I’m fine; we could just sleep if that’s what you want. Honestly, sometimes even when you’re all prepared, things don’t end up going very far, so no pressure. Just be at ease.”

“…….Can I really be at ease?”

“Of course.”

Taeui laughed aloud, wondering if Xinlu thought he would ever force him into anything he didn’t want. If Xinlu wasn’t into it, no matter how overwhelming Taeui’s desire was, he’d stop without pushing him further—even if that wasn’t something he usually had to do.

Xinlu looked at Taeui with an awkward expression, clearly caught in a moment of deep discomfort. Then, as if he’d come to a decision, he hesitated, looked at Taeui, and asked again, a little unsure.

“So……. can I really be at ease?”

“Of course. If that’s what makes you feel comfortable, go ahead.”

Xinlu didn’t say anything more. He turned his face away, nervously wiping at the corner of his mouth. But when he looked back at Taeui, the shyness on his face had vanished.

At that moment, Taeui froze.

There it was again. That look—it felt a bit foreign, yet now, it wasn’t entirely unfamiliar. He had seen it a few times before. Xinlu’s expression was slightly detached but undeniably alluring, a subtle charm that was hard to define. The instant he saw it, Taeui’s heart pounded, a powerful feeling flaring up in his chest.

“Hyung, could you spread your legs a bit? I’m feeling a bit cramped.”

Xinlu was lying on his side against Taeui, suddenly patted his thigh and spoke up. It seemed the position was a bit uncomfortable. Like a kitten playfully curling around its toy, Taeui chuckled and spread his legs open cheerfully. Xinlu quickly nestled into the space between.

Thinking about it, perhaps he should prepare and make some space for Xinlu first. If they rushed in, it would definitely hurt……. But then he remembered: even after handling that ‘monster’ Ilay possessed, Xinlu had walked around the next day as if nothing had happened. Perhaps Xinlu had his own way of taking care of his body.

Taeui gently pressed his lips to Xinlu’s hair as Xinlu nipped at the underside of his chin, then slowly ran his hand over Xinlu’s shoulder. Just as he expected, Xinlu’s skin was still as smooth and soft as ever. At that moment, without hesitation, Xinlu lifted Taeui’s leg and let his hand drift down to the inside of his thigh.

“…….?!”

Completely oblivious to Taeui’s sudden hesitation, Xinlu’s hand continued to venture further inward, stopping at the center. His fingers pressed gently, testing the area, then began to push in little by little, bringing a completely new and unexpected sensation Taeui had never experienced before.

“WAIT!!!”

Taeui shot up, sitting abruptly. Xinlu, still leaning against his collarbone, looked up in surprise. But Taeui was even more startled as he met Xinlu’s gaze, his own eyes wide with confusion.

“That spot is…….”

Was this what the younger generation did nowadays, even……. there? But wasn’t it supposed to be the other way around? He was the one who should be preparing Xinlu, but here they were……. At that moment, Taeui’s gaze dropped to Xinlu’s lower half. Xinlu was already fully ready, standing proudly, positioned close enough to press against the space behind him. Taeui looked at Xinlu in confusion, and though Xinlu seemed a bit flustered himself, he quickly flashed his usual shy smile and leaned in to kiss him gently.

“It’s okay, hyung. I won’t hurt you.”

“Wh-WHAT?!”

Taeui’s shout came out in a pitch higher than he intended, his surprise clear in his voice. Startled, Xinlu drew back slightly, and a shadow of disappointment crossed his face. Looking at Taeui with worried eyes, he murmured softly, a hint of sadness in his gaze.

“…….It’s okay to……. be comfortable…….”

“No, wait, I think there’s a very big misunderstanding here. Let’s talk for a minute first.”

Taeui quickly sat up, adjusting himself to sit properly. Xinlu, now seated on the bed, followed suit, positioning himself obediently across from Taeui. Taeui tried his best not to look directly at certain parts that were, well, quite visibly ready and swaying slightly. After a moment’s hesitation, he looked directly at Xinlu and asked slowly.

“When you said you’d been with other men……. you meant you were on top, right? I mean……. not, well……. not on the bottom…….”

“Yes. From the start, that’s just how it’s been, so it’s the only way I’ve thought about it.”

Xinlu’s face fell completely as Taeui asked him seriously, his expression so dejected it seemed like tears could spill over any moment. Taeui fought the urge to soften, pausing to think as he looked at Xinlu in front of him. He had never considered this possibility. Though he had imagined all sorts of scenarios, this one hadn’t crossed his mind. Being on the bottom……. it wasn’t impossible. He just hadn’t tried it before, but it wasn’t that he couldn’t see himself in that position. In fact, he suspected there might even be a certain kind of enjoyment in it. But still…….

Taeui pondered for a moment. He didn’t want to make Xinlu sad. But if he were honest, he wanted to hold Xinlu, not to be held.

It was unclear how much Xinlu understood about Taeui’s hesitation, but he tilted his head slightly before gently pressing a kiss to Taeui’s lips. While Taeui was still uncertain, Xinlu continued the kiss, softly tracing his lips with his tongue, then wrapping his arms around him tightly.

“Hyung, my first time, I was told I did a great job. I’ll really do my best for you, Taei-hyung.”

“No……. that’s not the issue here…….”

Taeui mumbled awkwardly. Hearing Xinlu’s earnest, almost pleading tone made his heart soften. Part of him thought maybe……. maybe he could try, just this once. But his own preferences weren’t easy to change, so he continued to weigh his options carefully. Suddenly, Xinlu pushed him down and climbed on top.

“Hyung, just try it. I can’t hold back any longer. Even if you don’t like it, I can’t stop. I want to be with you so much it’s driving me mad. I’ve held back until now—please, even if you’re hesitant, just bear with me this time.”

The face looking down at Taeui from above was that unfamiliar expression again. It wasn’t the gentle, endearing younger brother he knew, but it’s a selfish determined look of a man willing to do whatever it took to get what he wanted. Xinlu’s hands pressed firmly on Taeui’s shoulders, as if he really would go through with it, even if Taeui resisted.

And that was it. Just because of that look, Taeui, who had been softening, felt a surge of defiance. If Xinlu had just waited a little longer, Taeui might have been ready to view it as a new experience and give him what he wanted. But after those words, Taeui decided he couldn’t simply give in.

“Xinlu.”

“Hmm…….?”

“I don’t want to get rough with you……. but today, you’re going to have to take some pain.”

The moment he finished speaking, Taeui looked at Xinlu with a stern expression, then delivered a swift punch to his bare stomach. Xinlu utterly bewildered and caught off guard, hadn’t processed what just happened. The result of this sudden action was that Xinlu, wincing in anger, ended up vomiting right onto Taeui.

****************************

“Ah, right. Potassium nitrate.”

Taeui woke up to the sound of his own voice. But as he opened his eyes, he felt as if someone had shaken him awake mid-sentence. He sat up, tilting his head and scratching it in confusion.

“Potassium nitrate…….?”

The moment he awoke, the details of his dream slipped away, but the word he’d just mumbled still echoed in his mind. Potassium nitrate. He couldn’t understand, though, why potassium nitrate would appear in his dream.

Taeui stared thoughtfully at the foot of the bed, then suddenly nodded as if something had clicked: “Ah.” He couldn’t remember the details, but it seemed he had dreamed about his older brother. Perhaps it was because of the messy sketches he had seen lying around a few days ago. Occasionally, his brother would leave sheets of paper covered in strange doodles and scrawled, unreadable notes in the living room. He’d draw something random on one sheet, and then, when he got bored, he’d start something completely different on another. Sometimes, the sketches were spread across the floor, almost covering it entirely.

The first time Taeui saw those sketches, he had asked his brother what they were—he might not have even been in middle school at the time. His brother had replied nonchalantly: “If you follow the theory, it could make a small bomb.” Taeui, intrigued, had suggested they try making it, and his brother had turned to him and asked: “Can you get potassium nitrate?” When Taeui asked what potassium nitrate was, Jaeui had said to just look for some acetic acid, but Taeui, being a regular kid, hadn’t understood any of it. And so, the experiment had remained just words.

“Why did I suddenly dream about him……. and I can’t even remember what it was about.”

Taeui muttered, running a hand through his messy hair. But now he understood why his brother might have appeared in his dreams. It was probably because of the sketch he’d seen a few days earlier. Thinking back, the handwriting on it looked similar to his brother’s. Perhaps that lingering thought had stirred up the dream.

Having slept in an awkward position, his shoulder felt stiff and sore. Taeui lowered his head slightly, glancing around. He had fallen asleep with the light still on in his uncle’s room. Ever since finishing his joint training session, his uncle had told him he was welcome anytime, so Taeui had been stopping by frequently.

He was just sitting around reading to pass the time, but his uncle was hardly ever here. Taeui had thought that after the training program ended, his uncle would have more free time, but, unfortunately, one of the instructors had passed away during the session, which made his uncle unexpectedly busy. As a result, Taeui mostly sat reading alone whenever he came over, only occasionally catching his uncle for a brief goodnight when leaving late at night.

Just then, a soft vibration sounded from his pocket. Taeui opened his pager. There was a new message:

[‘Good night and sweet dreams.’]

It was a polite and gentle greeting. Lately, such messages had been arriving like clockwork, morning and night. There was no need to guess—the sender was, without a doubt, Xinlu.

Since returning from Hong Kong, this has become the norm. Every day, Xinlu would send him messages, even when there wasn’t any particular reason. Occasionally, whenever he had free time, Xinlu would also come to see Taeui. If Taeui let him in, Xinlu would sit quietly beside him, casting slightly sad glances his way, as if waiting for something, then leave late, tinged with a hint of reluctance. Tonight seemed no different. After checking the message, it was clear Xinlu had probably come to Taeui’s room, only to find it empty, leaving a simple message instead. Out of shyness, perhaps, he hadn’t asked where Taeui was or suggested he return.

Taeui read the message and slipped the pager back into his pocket with a bittersweet expression. Since that incident, he’d been trying to avoid Xinlu, though subtly enough not to draw attention. If Xinlu came by, he would still welcome him with a smile. If they met in the hallway, he would greet him warmly, chat a bit, then say goodbye. But he hadn’t once sought Xinlu out. Perhaps others hadn’t noticed, but Xinlu, with his perceptive nature, might have picked up on it.

Last night, Xinlu had come to him with a sorrowful expression, looking as if he might break into tears at any moment, asking: “Taei-hyung, do you hate me now?” But for that question, Taeui didn’t need to think much; he simply shook his head gently. It wasn’t that he hated Xinlu. What unsettled him was the subtle but noticeable shift in Xinlu’s demeanor.

Ever since the incident in Hong Kong – after that chaotic moment where both ended up sick, Taeui had hurriedly showered, and while Xinlu was taking his turn in the bathroom, Taeui had suddenly felt uneasy and slipped away on his own – Xinlu had seemed deeply apologetic. He looked at Taeui with an almost guilty gaze, but there was also something bolder, or perhaps more self-assured, about him. Xinlu’s demeanor had shifted. He was no longer the shy, fragile person Taeui had known, the one who seemed as if he might vanish at the slightest touch. He was still endearing, but Taeui couldn’t help but wonder where that vulnerable boy he once knew had gone. Of course, the answer to that question never appeared.

“Haa…….” – Taeui sighed. There was an odd feeling creeping in. Since he’d arrived here, it seemed like his luck had taken a downturn. Everything that initially seemed straightforward somehow ended up tangled in strange complications. Would he really be able to leave here safely in six months?

Just as he was brooding over that vague sense of foreboding, a familiar mechanical sound broke the silence. He startled, shoulders tensing, and looked up. His uncle’s phone on the table was ringing.

A dim light flickered from the screen, the indicator flashing, and the electronic chime echoed steadily.

Taeui stared at the phone in silence. His face grew expressionless, though faint lines appeared on his forehead. He had no idea who was calling, but that phone had stored countless memories with each ring in this room.

“……………”

Without hesitation, Taeui decided not to answer the call. There was no point in listening.

At this moment, he didn’t even want to hear that man’s voice. The memory that lingered vividly in his mind was of that icy, piercing stare from those cold, dark eyes on the final night, when he and Xinlu had been entangled together. And the man’s lips had curled into a mocking smirk.

“Damn it……. now I’m just getting angry.”

Taeui muttered a curse through clenched teeth. Then, as if the man were truly on the other end of the line, he hurled the metal cup in his hand toward the phone. The stainless steel cup struck the screen, then rolled to the floor, leaving a corner of the screen cracked, with shards of glass scattering. The handset dropped straight down, and the electronic ringing cut off abruptly.

In hindsight, Taeui realized how foolish he had been. Outwardly, he might have told himself otherwise, but deep down, he had still considered Ilay a friend. Even though Ilay had said cruel, cutting things, Taeui had subconsciously believed that, when it truly mattered, Ilay would relent just a little for him. All because of that one line: “I don’t want to be at odds with you.”

But the truth was, Ilay had consistently shown, through both words and actions, that he had drawn a clear, sharp line between himself and others. Taeui knew this well enough, yet he’d still been naive enough to think otherwise. Blaming Ilay now was just a way to vent his own misplaced frustration.

Even knowing all this, it was no surprise that Taeui still didn’t want to see him again. He didn’t want to hear his voice and didn’t even want the slightest involvement with him.

“Come on……. After all, he’s the type who could kill without a second thought. There’s nothing to feel sorry about. And Xinlu……. getting frustrated again……. Anyway, in the end, Xinlu is still by my side.”

Taeui muttered to himself, as if trying to remind himself of the facts. Just then, the door swung open. He turned to see his uncle entering. Not surprised to find him there, his uncle simply greeted him: “Oh, here you are.”

“I managed to find a rare book today. It should arrive by next week.”

Hearing his uncle’s cheerful tone, Taeui nodded slightly. If his uncle was buying books, it was good news for him; it meant he’d have easier access to hard-to-find titles.

As his uncle took off his coat and hung it up, he noticed the broken phone lying on the table and exclaimed: “Huh?” with wide eyes. Taeui thought – ‘Oh no’ – and turned his head slightly. After all, it was obvious who the culprit was.

“What happened? How did the phone end up like this? Goodness, the screen’s cracked. Fixing this won’t be easy.”

His uncle didn’t seem angry; he simply looked at the phone for a moment before setting the fallen receiver back in place. Taeui, the culprit who had, in a moment of impulse, broken someone else’s phone, cast a guilty glance at his uncle, then muttered, “I’m sorry.” His uncle, rather than being angry, looked at him with a curious expression.

“But why? Did you get some strange call?”

When he mentioned “strange call”, his uncle paused, as if a particular person had come to mind. Taeui, who seemed to know exactly who his uncle was thinking of, simply shrugged.

“No, it’s not like that, really. It’s just……. the phone’s ringing was a bit loud, so I threw a cup……. and it accidentally hit it…….”

“Hmmm.”

His uncle didn’t press further, simply nodding thoughtfully with a slight frown as if lost in his own reflections. Just then, the phone rang again. Only the screen was damaged; the phone itself was still working. As Taeui stared at it in surprise, his uncle, standing right beside him, pressed the button to answer. Although the screen was broken and displayed nothing, he picked up the receiver.

“Yes, this is Jeong Changin……. Ah, yes. Oh, really……. Who are these people? And their experience is…….?”

Standing beside his uncle, silently listening, Taeui relaxed his shoulders. So it wasn’t that man.

Of course, among the countless calls his uncle received, only a few were from that person. Why was he getting so tense over it? There wasn’t any reason to be.

Settling back on the bed with his book in hand, Taeui occasionally glanced over at his uncle, who was deep in a lengthy phone conversation. When he caught certain unusual words, he would pause in his reading and look up.

It seemed like an internal call within the organization, likely about promotions, reassignments, or personnel shifts. From what he gathered, they seemed to be discussing candidates to replace the instructor who had recently passed away. Interwoven in the conversation were mentions of the Governor-General’s upcoming assignment to the U.S. headquarters in a few months and speculations about who would be promoted to Deputy Minister, positioning them as the next potential Governor-General.

Thinking about it, Taeui wondered if things would unfold according to his uncle’s plans, allowing his superior to smoothly become the next Governor-General.

He recalled his uncle’s superior, Rudolph Jantil—a man Taeui had met a few times and who seemed capable of managing the branch well, even if promoted to Governor-General. However, the same could be said for another Deputy Minister, Mao Li Yin. Taeui had rarely encountered this man, perhaps only once or twice, glimpsing him from afar during team gatherings. Mao Li Yin seemed stern and was reputed for his meticulousness, never allowing any oversight in his work.

Regardless of who it was, anyone capable of climbing to the position of Deputy Minister at the branch surely had their own strengths. While the choice of Deputy Minister wouldn’t directly impact Taeui, it was a more sensitive matter for his uncle, given his role.

But…….

“…………..”

Taeui glanced up at the ceiling. Indeed, work and personal matters were two different things. From Taeui’s perspective, Rudolph didn’t seem to be in sync with his uncle. It felt as if they were two large snakes cohabiting without any real trust between them.

Still, that was a personal issue; when it came to professional matters, things might be different. Taeui understood that much.

As he continued to ponder while watching his uncle, the call came to an end. His uncle remained silent for a moment, staring at the phone, lost in thought.

“You seem busy.”

As Taeui spoke up, his uncle turned to look at him slowly. “Yeah” he replied succinctly, then sat down in a chair with a troubled expression.

“Kippenhan has passed away. So, there are quite a few opinions on who will replace him. The candidate proposed by headquarters differs from those supported by the branches. In the end, they’ll consider the preferences of the candidates and choose the one with the highest score based on experience and performance evaluations.”

“Oh……. But you don’t seem happy. Is there someone you don’t want to see on the candidate list?”

“No, I don’t dislike anyone. It’s just that there’s one person who, if he comes here, could be a bit of a hassle.”

“Well, they can just choose someone else.”

“The decision isn’t up to me. The executives at headquarters and the branches will meet to select candidates who meet the standards, and then a computer will automatically choose the one with the highest advancement score.”

Taeui nodded: “Ah, I see.” His uncle paused for a moment as if pondering something else, then irritably scratched his head and muttered.

“Damn it. Kippenhan didn’t know his limits and got himself killed over something pointless. Can’t he tell what’s within his capabilities and what isn’t? Why did he have to involve Rick right now…….?”

Taeui watched his uncle muttering as if talking to himself, then shrugged and gently shifted the topic.

“How is the progress for the Governor-General position going? Do you think it will turn out the way you hope?”

“Well, that’s still uncertain. Right now, Deputy Minister Jantil has a slight edge because of his strong performance. However, Mao has been Deputy Minister longer and has more experience.”

“UNHRDO operates based on a performance evaluation system, right?”

“Every organization claims that, but in the end, it’s all run by people, so it doesn’t always work that way.”