Suddenly, a low sound echoed for a brief moment. Yuri opened his eyes and sat up abruptly from his sleep.

It felt as if he had just woken from a dream. Here, only the pitch-black darkness enveloped the space, with not a single sound to be heard. Yuri stared at the door for a moment, then got up, draped his cloak over his shoulders, and stepped outside.

Crossing through another cold and dim living room, he stopped in front of a door.

The door was slightly ajar, just a hand’s breadth, and inside, the silence seemed to hint at how deeply the person within was lost in slumber.

“…….”

But before Yuri, holding his breath, could blink a few times, a low sound came from inside again. It was the labored breathing of a wounded beast.

“……. My apologies.”

A soft voice accompanied by a faint knock on the door broke the stillness of the night, sounding clearer than ever amidst the silence. Instantly, the heavy breathing from within ceased as if it had never existed. Yet, Yuri still pushed the door open and entered.

Even without turning on the light, his eyes, accustomed to the darkness, allowed him to see the room clearly. On the table beside the bed was an empty pack of painkillers. The glass of water was drained to the last drop. Yuri knew that the pack had once held eight painkillers.

“Does it hurt a lot?”

Yuri bent down and gently asked the person lying on the bed.

The ‘person’ lay motionless under the blanket, giving no response whatsoever. The sound of breathing from earlier, resembling a noise from a dream, truly made it seem as though they were deeply asleep.

“I’ll go get a wet cloth.”

As Yuri spoke briefly and was about to stand up, a hoarse, feeble voice emerged from beneath the blanket. Each word seemed to escape with great effort amidst exhaustion.

“If you’re not bringing more painkillers, then get out.”

Yuri looked down at him for a moment, then silently turned and walked out. When he returned a short while later, what he carried was still just a warm cloth. Yuri pulled the blanket down. Surprisingly, the blanket was pulled away easily, revealing Ling Xinlu’s pale face drenched in cold sweat. In the darkness, one of his eyes caught the light, glinting as he stared intently at Yuri, before blinking lightly and disappearing for an instant. Perhaps sweat had trickled into his eyes, as he blinked several more times.

“Don’t touch me at night……. I’m seriously going mad with the urge to kill you.”

In reality, the more accurate statement might be this: He wanted to kill, but his body wouldn’t allow it, that was what truly drove him mad. His bright, beast-like eyes seemed to convey exactly that.

During the day, when his body was active, the pain might subside slightly. But at night, the agony flared up violently, as if a red-hot iron rod were being driven straight into his eye. Ordinary pain was nothing to him, but this sensation was so unbearable that it left his mind completely blank. No matter how many painkillers he took, the pain never disappeared; instead, it only made his eye burn with an unbearable intensity. His entire body would be drenched in cold sweat.

It was the same every night.

Because of the unbearable pain, he would pass out, only to wake up again, then collapse once more from exhaustion caused by the agony. Only when dawn approached would his sweat-drenched body finally begin to calm down, whether it was thanks to the painkillers or the light of dawn dispelling the torment, he didn’t know.

And each time, Yuri would be there by Ling Xinlu’s side as he gritted his teeth, enduring the muffled groans escaping from himself.

“Seeing someone else in excruciating pain……. does it make you happy? Damn it……. I don’t need mercy……. no, ugh, —…….”

“Don’t bite your tongue.”

The pain came in waves. Moments of agony so intense that the whites of his eyes nearly overtook his pupils were interspersed with brief instances of clarity, enough to be aware of the cold sweat pouring out and his own ragged breathing. Each time the pain became so overwhelming that he lost control, Ling Xinlu would try to bite his lip or do something to ease the torment. In those moments, Yuri silently stopped him. If necessary, Yuri would even go so far as to put his own finger in Ling Xinlu’s mouth, willingly allowing himself to be bitten to prevent him from harming himself. When the pain subsided momentarily, Ling Xinlu would lie exhausted on the bed and panted heavily.

“The taste of blood in my mouth……. who would want to taste your blood?”

“Give me your hand.”

Completely ignoring Xinlu’s muttered words, Yuri pulled his arm and wiped the sweat from his body with the warm cloth. Occasionally, Ling Xinlu’s sharp, black eyes would glance at him with a dangerous edge, but it seemed he no longer had the strength to resist Yuri’s touch.

It didn’t matter. When daylight came, Ling Xinlu would return as someone who acted as if nothing had happened in the dead of night. He would still wear his radiant smile, just like every other day, hiding everything behind his flawless mask. Only in this moment, overwhelmed by excruciating pain, did he lack the strength to put on the mask that concealed his true self.

And so, the night gradually gave way to the faint glow of dawn.

“…….Taei-hyung…….”

A familiar name suddenly escaped from Ling Xinlu’s exhausted lips. Perhaps he was half-conscious, caught between waking and dreaming.

“No matter what, he’ll still choose that person……. even when I’m in this much pain, wanting to die.”

Yuri didn’t respond. He simply placed the cloth he had used to wipe Xinlu’s body down quietly, then pulled the blanket up. He tucked it in carefully to make sure there were no gaps.

“I met him first. I liked him first. And he liked me too……. not that person.”

His voice was hoarse and frail. His lips, bitten to the point of bleeding, were dry and cracked.

How many times had he thought about this? Though he appeared as radiant as sunlight during the day, his mind must have replayed those thoughts dozens, hundreds of times. Even knowing that his anger would flare like fire and that he would be crushed by his own despair.

“Why does it have to be that bastard? Why must it always be him? If it weren’t for that person……. if only…….”

Ling Xinlu mumbled as if talking to himself, then suddenly fell silent. After a moment, he pulled the blanket over his shoulders and wrapped it tightly around his head, curling into himself. The man who radiated an overwhelming presence even greater than older men during the day now seemed so small, just like a child. Yuri instinctively reached out to comfort him but hesitated and drew his hand back.

“Don’t look at me……. your gaze……. it’s so annoying. What are you expecting?”

“…….I’m not expecting anything.”

‘…….Except to see you.’ – Yuri quietly added in his heart.

A faint sound came from within the blanket. Perhaps it was a mocking laugh, but it was so weak that it dissolved into the air.

“Don’t be ridiculous……. Even biological parents have the ambition to receive love in return for what they give unasked. They want to be cherished, to see smiles when eyes meet. Do you know how noisy such gazes are…….? But at least they’re bearable. And you……. what about yours? I don’t understand what you’re expecting when you look at me.”

Yuri didn’t respond.

Ling Xinlu’s voice gradually slowed. Perhaps the relentless waves of pain had exhausted him, and he finally surrendered, drifting into sleep. This pain, no matter how terrible, would only last a few more days. Perhaps by tomorrow, it would subside enough for him to endure it. And by the day after, he would surely be better.

By then, he wouldn’t be half-conscious, letting out any unconscious confessions like this. Nor would he feel the same discomfort when facing Yuri in the morning.

Even so, Yuri still wished he wouldn’t keep everything bottled up inside, that he could speak his mind. But…….. that wasn’t Yuri’s role.

**********************

Joy, sorrow, elation, misfortune—none of it existed.

Beneath the surface of the water, there was only an all-encompassing stillness.

If only he could dissolve into this place…….

The thought he had once longed for every time he submerged himself in water had, at some point, faded from his mind. When he sank beneath the surface, both his body and mind seemed to empty, as though they truly became one with the water.

Warm and tranquil. It felt as though he were returning to a place he had belonged to from the very beginning.

“……..”

“Whew…….” – Yuri surfaced from the water, exhaling a long breath. He brushed back the wet hair that clung to his eyes and looked up. The pitch-black sky was just beginning to lighten with the first signs of dawn.

The moment he emerged from the water, the sense of being dissolved within it began to fade, and his consciousness gradually returned. He stepped out of the lake, grabbed the towel hanging on the ladder, and draped it over his shoulders.

The early dawn was still dark, and the chill in the air made his drenched body feel cold. But his mood had improved significantly. As always, every time he left the water, the heaviness in his heart seemed to dissipate.

“Maybe I can’t live in a place without water,” he muttered softly, shaking his head to dry his ears.

This was the only time he could go into the water……. when Xinlu was still fast asleep. Even for just a brief moment, Yuri had already instructed the other guards on night duty to remain vigilant. But when Ling Xinlu was awake and moving around, Yuri rarely left his side.

In truth, even now, he had spent much less time in the water than usual. So, even if he wanted to swim a little longer, he felt content with just this much for today. It was enough to help him endure the day ahead.

“Well, time to head back to the room…….” – He muttered, bending down to slip his feet into his slippers.

“In the dark, you look like a water ghost.”

At that moment, a voice suddenly sounded from behind, startling Yuri so much that his shoulders involuntarily jolted, b’cause he hadn’t sensed any presence at all.

“…….What are you doing here?”

Yuri turned his head, still slightly hunched from the surprise, and immediately recognized the familiar voice, though it sounded rougher, likely from exhaustion. He blinked and asked again. The person he thought was fast asleep in the room after a night of struggling with pain and exhaustion was now standing right in front of him.

“The pain woke me up. Still, it’s not as bad as it was at midnight, so I can manage.”

Ling Xinlu sat on the bench near the pool, frowning. One hand held the bandages, while the other gently rubbed his temple as if trying to soothe a headache.

“I see…….” – Yuri stood silently for a moment, looking at him.

From the way Ling Xinlu spoke with clarity, it seemed the pain had lessened to a bearable level, just as he said. Thank God.

“Out here to breathe in some fresh air?”

“From up high, I saw someone hogging the pool at the crack of dawn. Standing still for a long time, I thought I might end up being the first person to discover a drowning victim, so I came down to check.”

His voice remained calm and gentle, as usual, but the tone was distinctly Ling Xinlu. The way he spoke, so soft and composed, made even his sarcastic remarks sound nothing like sarcasm.

“You like water that much, huh? I bet you didn’t get much sleep last night either. Swimming is better than sleeping, I suppose……. I envy you. I’ve never been so drawn to something like that.”

“…….Right now, you’re already captivated. To the point where your entire mind revolves around that person, day and night.”

When Yuri responded in an even tone, Ling Xinlu fell silent. It seemed as though Yuri’s words had struck something that made him uncomfortable for a moment, but he didn’t appear angry. He merely clicked his tongue and muttered softly: “It’s really annoying…….”

“That’s why my head feels so heavy this early in the morning.”

Yuri stared at him for a while, then looked down at the drops of water falling from his hair and pooling at his feet. After a moment, he spoke quietly: “Alright.”

“Since you’re already down here, why not try soaking in the water? Your mind will feel much lighter. Heavy thoughts dissolve like sea salt.”

“…….With this leg? And with these eyes?”

Ling Xinlu looked at him through his clouded eyes, lifting his bandaged ankle slightly. His chin tilted up just a bit. Only then did Yuri realize, awkwardly blurting out: “Ah, right…….” like a fool. And Xinlu, on the other hand, gave him a look as if he were staring at a complete idiot. He continued, as if to deliver the final blow: “And furthermore.”

“I think I’ve already said it, haven’t I? I don’t swim. I nearly drowned once. And now, I have no reason to want to get in the water anymore.”

“Now that I think about it, I wonder where that person is—the one who just stood there watching a child about to die without doing anything. What they’re doing now. Even as I was on the verge of death, I thought that if I survived, I’d hunt them down and kill them with my own hands.” – Xinlu continued to mutter. Hearing those words, Yuri could only remain silent.

From what Yuri knew, Ling Xinlu had three enemies he wanted to personally ‘deal with’: Riegrow, Yuri himself, and the person who had stood by and watched as he nearly drowned in childhood.

‘…….Maybe that’s one less thing for me to worry about.’ 

“But if what you’re saying is true, it does sound appealing. If heavy thoughts could dissolve like salt in water.” – Ling Xinlu said lazily, his eyes half-closed as though he was about to drift off to sleep, leaning deeper into the bench.

He mumbled: “If that’s the case, this pool must have already turned into the Dead Sea by now.”

Yuri quietly watched him. Xinlu sat still, not moving, making Yuri wonder if he might have fallen asleep. After a while, Yuri gently lifted the towel draped over his shoulder and used it to wipe away the drops of water still dripping from his wet hair.

“When I was a child, I was the same way.”

The words slipped out unconsciously, so soft they sounded more like a monologue.

“When I immersed myself in water, it felt like every thought in my body dissolved. The pain, too, would slowly fade, and I’d forget all my suffering. That’s why, at times, it felt like I practically lived in the water.”

Perhaps, back then, he was someone who felt emotions more intensely. He might have once been ambitious, cried out, demanded, raged, or clapped his hands in joyous celebration. But those emotions, at some point, had dissolved into the water.

Even so, the subdued and deeper emotions that remained, he always cherished them. He always listened to his heart, seeking to understand what he truly wanted. Even now.

“I’ve never seen you smile. I wish I could see that face of yours smiling, just once.”

He hoped that this beautiful and fragile young man could someday smile. A smile of true happiness.

He wanted to see that face, the one he’d never seen before. But even if the person who got to see it wasn’t him, that would be fine.

Yuri remained silent. He looked at Ling Xinlu, eyes closed, seemingly lost in his own thoughts. Yuri let out a quiet sigh, saying nothing.

“Let’s head back. Dressed like that, it’s too thin—you’ll catch a chill.”

Although he was fairly certain that Xinlu wasn’t asleep and had likely heard him, the young man didn’t move. Yuri hesitated for a moment, then took his own towel – still slightly damp – and gently draped it over Xinlu’s shoulders. Only then did Xinlu slowly open his eyes, his gaze unfocused and a little distant.

“What’s there for me to feel cold about, when I’m using the towel of someone who’s practically wearing nothing? …….Take it back. A wet towel like this is uncomfortable.”

Ling Xinlu pulled the towel off his shoulders and threw it directly at Yuri, glaring at him with clear dissatisfaction.

“Do you know what the phrase ‘焉敢生心’ means?”

(*언감생심  is an idiom of Sino-Korean origin ‘焉敢生心’, means ‘how dare I even dream of it’ or ‘not daring to harbor such thoughts.’)

Hearing Chinese suddenly mixed into the conversation, Yuri was momentarily startled and looked at him in surprise. But soon after, he nodded.

“I know.”

“Good. Then let me tell you this. I don’t hate you. In fact, I find you quite interesting. And strangely enough, I don’t feel uncomfortable being around you. Sometimes you even make me laugh, and I feel……. happy. If I were to measure it, I probably like you much more than just an average amount…….. But there are times, when my eye hurts unbearably, or when memories suddenly flood back and make me feel like my head’s about to explode from hatred, those are the moments when I find you absolutely revolting. So much so that I can’t stand it. Deep down, I know you don’t mean me any harm. In fact, everything you do is probably for my benefit. But my emotions don’t see it that way. I can’t stop myself from thinking about why you interfered at the wrong time, or why your presence only makes me feel more pathetic. Those feelings……. they’re not something I can control with logic.”

Yuri remained silent. Ling Xinlu spoke in a calm, emotionless tone, but then, as if recalling something, he abruptly stopped mid-sentence, took a bitter breath, and gently rubbed his forehead, his brows furrowing in pain. For a moment, his gaze flickered to Yuri’s fingers, where temporary bandages covered the fresh wounds from where he had bitten into them not long ago. A brief, soft sigh escaped him.

“But I know you’re not a bad person. I know you’ve tried very hard for my sake. So, I’ll tell you this.”

“…….”

“Be careful what you wish for. Not just anyone gets to see my face when I smile.”

Ling Xinlu looked directly at Yuri, speaking in a tone so serious that it was impossible to tell whether he was joking or not. Then, all of a sudden, he broke into a radiant smile. That’s a bright and beautiful smile, the kind he effortlessly shared with everyone around him. Afterward, he pointed at himself.

“But the face you want to see……. it’s not this one, is it?”

A face so superficial and utterly fake.

Yuri realized that, just as he understood Ling Xinlu, Xinlu also understood him. In fact, Xinlu probably understood what was going on in Yuri’s heart better than Yuri himself.

“Honestly, that kind of face isn’t something you can just make happen.” – Xinlu added casually, as if it didn’t matter much to him.

Yuri simply watched him in silence, his gaze so intent it seemed as if he were trying to see right through him. Then, he gently shook his head, as though it were difficult to discern anything beyond Xinlu’s surface.

“The person who sees that face……. it doesn’t have to be me. It could be anyone, anywhere.”

‘As long as you truly smile with happiness, that’s enough. That incredibly beautiful face……. it doesn’t matter if I’m not the one who gets to see it…….. For someone who’s always tried to keep Mr. Jeong Taeui by their side at all costs, maybe even these words are something you’ll never understand.’

As if to confirm Yuri’s thoughts, Ling Xinlu furrowed his brows in confusion. He half-opened his eyes, then turned his head to look down at the still water, quietly reflecting the soft light. “Well…….” – He shrugged slightly.

“Who knows, if I find my own ‘water’, maybe I’ll be the same.”

Seeing the puzzled expression on Yuri’s face, Ling Xinlu once again flashed his usual beautiful smile.

“You said that when you’re in the water, all the burdens in your heart seem to dissolve, right? If I find something like that, maybe I’ll smile like that too. Although……. I don’t really know what that feels like.”

That beautiful smile abruptly faded from his lips, replaced by his usual indifferent expression. He shivered slightly and muttered: “It’s a bit chilly”, before standing up from the bench. Wearing only a loosely draped shirt, he rubbed his hands over his arms to ward off the cold, then suddenly glanced at Yuri.

“Aren’t you cold?” – He asked, with a faint trace of curiosity in his tone. Yuri silently watched him for a moment before suddenly speaking, as if the question slipped out before he could think.

“Then……. if it’s another face, can I see it?”

“……..”

“A normal face—what I mean is, something similar to the face you have now.”

Yuri spoke in a way unlike his usual self, awkwardly explaining, his words as tangled as his emotions in that moment. He wasn’t sure how to dispel the faint irritation in Xinlu’s gaze, but he tried to continue regardless. Ling Xinlu remained silent, his eyes fixed on Yuri, before suddenly letting out a soft snort. A faint, mocking smile appeared on his lips.

“This old man, just as soon as someone’s mood improves a little, he gets greedy, huh?”

“Is that not allowed?”

Yuri asked again, his voice low and filled with sincerity. Ling Xinlu furrowed his brows slightly. His expression clearly showed boredom, as if he were thinking: ‘Why do I have to deal with this troublesome person?’ But no matter how indifferent his gaze became, Yuri didn’t look away. He remained silent, steadfastly meeting Xinlu’s eyes.

Finally.

“Look, then.”

The answer came abruptly, in a tone filled with reluctance and irritation. Xinlu’s expression and manner seemed to say: ‘What are you even looking at?’ This made Yuri lower his gaze for a moment, his spirits faintly dampened. But just a second later, he raised his head again and softly murmured: “Umm…….”

“Don’t stare so obviously. And don’t look when I’m in a bad mood.”

As if he’d just done something incredibly generous and magnanimous, Ling Xinlu shrugged with an air of indulgence, as if to say: ‘Alright, it’s not that big of a deal.’ Yuri simply watched him, then nodded and stiffly responded: “Yes, I’ll do that.”

It was good. Charming, adorable, even the distorted and twisted parts of him—everything about him was captivating. Yuri truly enjoyed witnessing every vivid, radiant, and dazzling moment of Xinlu’s existence, so much so that he couldn’t look away. That’s why, from the moment those words were spoken, he couldn’t stop watching him. Even though he knew that in just a moment, Xinlu would furrow his brows again, as if dissatisfied.

“Really now…….” – Ling Xinlu muttered, his eyes glancing over Yuri briefly, showing a hint of awkwardness or embarrassment. Then he turned away, casually throwing out a comment.

“You should smile more at yourself, not just expect it from me.”

It was only then that Yuri realized his face had softened, and an unconscious smile had appeared. He lightly touched his face, blinking a few times as if to confirm it. But regardless of Yuri’s reaction, Ling Xinlu had already turned his back and was walking toward the building, not bothering to look back.

“It’s cold, let’s head up……. Also, the bandages on your fingers need changing. They’re all soaked now.”

Watching Xinlu’s silhouette quietly walking away, Yuri quickly followed and responded briefly: “Yes.” The fingers that had once throbbed with pain no longer felt anything at all.