“…….”

He stared blankly at the ceiling, thinking to himself: ‘He definitely lied when he said he was tired to death.’ He also wondered when the sun had risen; the thought flitted through his mind and then disappeared into a corner of his consciousness.

Throughout the times he drifted in and out of consciousness, Yuri had never seen Xinlu fall asleep. He always looked at him whenever he opened his eyes. Sometimes gently, sometimes earnestly, sometimes greedily. And every time, Yuri’s body would tremble slowly, quickly falling into intensity, following his gaze.

“——alright?”

A low voice suddenly rang out beside his ear. Trembling as if about to cry. It seemed like he had whispered many times. Even when Yuri had fallen asleep, he still whispered in his ear, whispered into ears that could no longer hear.

Hoping these words could reach him. Reach his heart even if they couldn’t reach his ears. He prayed like that.

“——Can’t you be more greedy with me? Can’t you yearn for me more? Can’t you think that you can’t live without me? That you can’t live if you’re away from me.”

“——Can’t you think like that?”

The voice was as weak as a child whining.

Yuri blinked. He closed his eyes and then opened them again. His eyes stung from crying so much. His throat was also hoarse.

His body was limp. He didn’t want to move even a finger. During that time, he hadn’t realized it, but it seemed like he had cried and screamed a lot.

Yuri turned his head. On the bed right next to him, carefully tucked in, was Ling Xinlu. He was sitting on a chair pulled close to the bed.

He looked tired. Probably not from staying up all night. He sat motionless, as if lost in thought, unconsciously rubbing his furrowed brow.

Although he knew Yuri was awake, Xinlu still didn’t look at him, only staring at his own hand as if pondering something. Yuri also followed his gaze.

Xinlu was holding a small object in his hand, resting it casually on the armrest. Occasionally, he would slowly rub it, making a small rustling sound of plastic wrap.

Yuri observed for a moment before realizing what the square object nestled between his fingers was.

As if realizing Yuri’s gaze was fixed on the plastic bag, Xinlu stopped crumpling it and then looked up.

His eyes were dark and sunken. Yuri silently looked into those eyes, as if looking down into a deep abyss so profound that he couldn’t see the bottom.

“Human will is laughably weak.”

Ling Xinlu slowly said. His voice also sank, carrying fatigue.

He slowly lifted the object he was holding. It was a small, square plastic bag, lightly pinched between his fingertips. A small, square-shaped plastic bag, tightly sealed, and without a tear strip. Inside, it contained a white powder, filling about half the bag.

Ling Xinlu stared at the small plastic bag, then slowly shook it. Following his movements, the white powder inside also made a rustling sound.

Yuri silently watched Ling Xinlu. He looked at him with an indifferent expression, then muttered: “Winan gave it to me, said it was the stuff that guy got yesterday. I put it in the bag and forgot about it.”

The sound of powder *rustling, rustling* echoed rhythmically from his hand.

“I’ve seen countless people ruined by this stuff. Occasionally, there are a few people who, after being ruined, still try to quit, but among them, only two out of a hundred truly recover completely. It seems like it’s very difficult to quit.”

His voice was even, as if talking to himself: “Even if they’re lucky enough to quit, whether it’s after a few years or a few decades, if they just try it again once with the thought ‘just one time’, their life falls back into the abyss.”

“Even those with strong willpower are no different. If it’s just trying it for fun, it’s fine, but with heavy stuff like this, 99% are the same. When the body can’t endure it anymore, the spirit also collapses. That’s why people say drugs gnaw at the mind. Doesn’t it seem pointless?”

The fingers playing with the plastic bag crumpled it again. Then he tapped lightly on the bag of powder. As if he was hesitant about what to do with it.

“Before, when I wanted to use drugs to keep Taei-hyung by my side, Mr. Gable told me not to. He said it was a way to make him suffer forever. But…….”

Xinlu fell silent. The corners of his mouth seemed to distort.

“What if I still want to keep you?”

He casually tossed the bag of drugs, which had been rolling between his fingers, onto the table. After staring at the bag of drugs for a while, he turned to look at Yuri. His jet-black eyes, so dark that it was difficult to discern the intent within, slightly curved into a distorted smile.

“What about Mr. Gable? If you become so addicted that you can’t go back to the way you were, do you think you can quit on your own?”

Yuri silently looked at him without answering. But the silence didn’t last. He spoke calmly and evenly, as if stating a known answer.

“I can end my own life.”

The moment that calm and airy answer came out, the smile on Xinlu’s face completely disappeared. His face stiffened as if doused with cold water, slightly pale. Then he slowly frowned. He let out a trembling scoff, as if mocking.

“You’re underestimating it. Although there are types of drugs that are easy to quit, with the truly dangerous kinds, once you’re addicted, you can’t stay sane anymore. The matter of life and death, at that point, you don’t even think about it, you only think about drugs.”

Yuri looked up at the ceiling. He was silent for a moment, as if searching his memories, then slowly nodded.

“That’s right. But occasionally, there will be brief moments where reason returns. Enough time to end one’s own life.”

Xinlu was silent.

This time, his face was completely expressionless. The vague anger, the surging despair, the relentless obsession, all disappeared, leaving only empty eyes, the light extinguished, looking at Yuri.
Yuri quietly looked away from Xinlu.

“I also had a friend who died from drugs.”

“…….”

Xinlu didn’t say anything. He just looked at Yuri, his face pale, as lifeless as a ghost. His fingertips twitched as if cramping. But that was all, he remained motionless, staring fixedly at Yuri as if frozen.

Then, at some point, “Ha”, he let out a hollow laugh filled with inner weariness. As if his whole body had suddenly lost all its strength, he covered his face with his hands and rubbed his eyes and face. Wearing an expression of being tired to death, he spoke:

“The first time he met my mother, my father fell in love with her at first sight…….”

While rubbing his eyes, Ling Xinlu muttered as if talking to himself. Yuri, who was looking up at the ceiling, turned to him and listened quietly.

“Because she didn’t want to live with an old man, my mother……. planned to use drugs.”

Through the fingers casually covering his eyes, Ling Xinlu’s gaze fell upon Yuri. His deep black eyes looked at Yuri with despair.

“But, perhaps it should be said it was fortunate, before my mother did that, she became pregnant……. That was me. And because there was a bond much healthier and more positive than drugs, my mother wasn’t tormented by drugs and stayed with my father.”

He gave a wry smile.

“Even now, my mother is still wary of my father. Even though my father has loved her for over twenty years, pampered her to the fullest, done everything to win her over…….”

The story, which he had probably heard long ago, perhaps from his mother herself, or from a gossipy person who liked to talk, was completely different from the beautiful love story that romantics often praised about Ling Houlong and his young wife.

Yuri thought of Ling Xinlu’s mother. And then, of his father.

She was a beautiful and melancholic woman like a hydrangea flower. She had never smiled brightly when she was with her husband. Maybe she smiled like that in places Yuri didn’t know, but at least he had never heard anyone talk about it.

“Their relationship isn’t bad. They live together quite well. My mother also treats my father well. But in the end, they still can’t completely fill each other’s hearts. Perhaps it will be like this until one of them dies.”

“Perhaps the obsession with keeping someone by your side, even if it destroys them to the point of being just a shell, will eventually end like that.” – Ling Xinlu shrugged. A vague expression between a smile and no smile on his face,

He stared intently at Yuri for a moment.

“Even using drugs can’t keep someone. Taei-hyung also said that…….”

A sadness was contained within his words. Seeing him like that, Yuri sighed softly.

“The fact that Mr. Jeong Taeui didn’t come to you, isn’t because you lack anything. Once feelings have faded, no matter what you do, you can’t hold onto them.”

It wasn’t Ling Xinlu’s fault. Nor was it Jeong Taeui’s fault, or anyone’s fault. It was simply that his heart had turned towards Riegrow.

You can’t hold onto someone whose heart is turned elsewhere. Or even if you use force to keep them, that’s not truly keeping them whole. Jeong Taeui, from that time, no longer belonged to Ling Xinlu.

Yuri looked at Ling Xinlu with gentle eyes.

“Find someone more suited to you. There will definitely be such a person.”

It was at that moment.

Ling Xinlu’s complexion, staring at Yuri with darkened eyes, suddenly changed. His face stiffened again, cold as if doused with ice water, his wide eyes boring into Yuri without blinking.

Those eyes, in an instant, began to brighten, gradually turning grayish-blue.

“Who?”

His voice trembled, cold like his eyes. As if he was trying his best to hold onto his sanity, Ling Xinlu’s pale face trembled. The next words he spoke also trembled.

“Someone suited to me? Who? ——Why are you treating me like this, you know everything. WHY ARE YOU PRETENDING NOT TO KNOW?! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!”

The trembling voice grew louder and louder, finally ringing out like a scream in the room. Facing him, Yuri had to remain silent for a moment.

——He knows everything.

The resentful voice echoed in his ears. He knew. He knew what Ling Xinlu was talking about. He also knew what those jet-black eyes, filled with boundless desire, were looking at.

Yet, for some reason, and he didn’t know since when. Perhaps even Ling Xinlu himself didn’t know. But at least, at this moment, what he desired and what he said were very clear.

It felt unreal. His gaze was calmly directed at Ling Xinlu right in the present reality, but there was an exceedingly strange feeling. It was clear he was bewildered by him clinging to him like a child, but at the same time, he also felt happy and joyful.

Perhaps because of that, he was even more aware of his insecurity.

“I like you, Mr. Ling Xinlu.”

Yuri quietly spoke the words he had spoken many times. Not just repeating them. And as always, he had thought carefully before speaking.

Was there anything different from yesterday? Did he truly understand his own heart? He always tried to live truthfully, at least to himself.

Ling Xinlu, his face pale, looked at Yuri with an expressionless face. Like a thin, delicate piece of glass, about to shatter into pieces.

“And if you want, we’ll extend the contract. This year, next year,—and perhaps until whenever you want. As long as I can.”

These were also words he had spoken to Ling Xinlu. And now, thinking back, those words were still not wrong. Yuri would stay with him as long as he wanted, as long as he could.

However, Ling Xinlu was still insecure. His anxious heart did not settle down even though Yuri had said so.

“As long as you want, I’ll be here. And, yes, during that time, you can hope that I’ll reciprocate your feelings for me. But, what more do you want?”

What more? How?

How should Yuri answer, what should he do so that he could smile brightly and be happy as before? He didn’t want to see this lovely man suffering and insecure because of him.

Yuri tried to sit up with his aching body. Just sitting up in bed made him break out in a cold sweat, but he gritted his teeth and endured, struggling to sit up straight to face him.

Ling Xinlu just silently looked at him with a pale face.

“A lifetime contract? Is it enough just to sign that piece of paper?”

That wasn’t what he wanted. He felt that the paper was meaningless, even without signing it, extending the contract wouldn’t be any different.

But on the other hand, if just signing his name could make him happy, then he could do it.

If that was all it took to lessen his suffering, then he was willing to do anything.

But it wasn’t.

Ling Xinlu didn’t answer Yuri’s question but only let his dark eyes answer instead, because he knew that what he desired wasn’t just that piece of paper.

“I want you……. to desire me more.”

Ling Xinlu suddenly whispered.

“Be more greedy for me. Always look at me, more, and more, desire me more. To the point where I no longer feel insecure.”

And like this, he whispered with a heart that couldn’t bear it: Yearn for me like I yearn for you.

Looking into Ling Xinlu’s dark and shimmering eyes, Yuri blinked awkwardly instead of answering.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to. He wanted to do that for him. He already liked him like this, so what was so difficult about continuing to like him, liking him even more?

But…….

Ling Xinlu was asking him to like him in a different way than he currently did.

Not a quiet love. Not as gentle as flowing water. But a fierce love, enough to soothe his anxious and worried heart. In the way that Ling Xinlu desired. Therefore, Yuri couldn’t answer immediately.

It was a matter of personality. It was nature. Something beyond his control. Like a herbivore unable to become a carnivore, it was a matter unrelated to effort.

Ling Xinlu seemed to have noticed the hesitation on Yuri’s face.

Surely he also guessed the reason and what he was thinking.

After staring intently at Yuri for a moment with burning eyes, he left the room and returned, placing something in front of him.

A contract fell and lay fluttering on the blanket.

Ling Xinlu took a pen and wrote ‘Lifetime’ in the contract period box. Then, he signed his name in the hirer’s section of the signatory and handed it to Yuri.

“Tell me that you will be more greedy for me than now. Tell me that you will desire me more than now, much more, at least as much as I am greedy for you, and with that intention, sign here.”

Yuri stared at the contract with only his signature missing, then looked up. Ling Xinlu was looking down at him with a stiff face. The tension and anxiety evident on his face made him look as if he was angry.

“I’ll give you time. Your contract still has a few days left. Think carefully and decide. Sign or terminate the contract.”

“…….That’s not a matter of effort or willpower.”

“Even if it’s forced, try for me.”

Ling Xinlu spoke resolutely. He knew he was being unreasonably stubborn, but as if he couldn’t do otherwise, he pursed his lips tightly.

After looking at the contract with a troubled expression, Yuri looked up again. His eyes met Ling Xinlu’s, who was still watching him intently.

“I don’t want to promise things I can’t do.”

“Then you should promise all the more, and keep that promise.”

Ling Xinlu didn’t back down. He looked directly at Yuri with eyes shimmering as if on the verge of tears.

But Ling Xinlu also knew that he was saying unreasonable things. The fact that Yuri didn’t point it out was because he knew that he knew he was being stubborn, but was still doing it.

“Are you mad at me? Do you find me disgusting now?”

Ling Xinlu suddenly asked Yuri, who was looking at the contract with a troubled expression. His stiff voice was tinged with anxiety.

Thinking to himself that he really didn’t want to hear such a voice, Yuri raised his head.

“Don’t be angry. I truly, I’m afraid when Mr. Gable is angry.”

Because Yuri rarely got angry, Xinlu was even more afraid, afraid that if he got angry, it meant he would truly hate him.
Ling Xinlu muttered dejectedly, then silently reached out. The hand that was about to grab Yuri’s wrist hesitated, as if probing.

Although he knew Yuri wouldn’t shake his hand off, as if still afraid, his hand hovered in the air for a moment before finally gripping the blanket in front of him. As if resentful, but with nothing else to grasp, he had to clench it tightly.

“I can try with other things.”

He whispered as if pleading.

“I can indulge Mr. Gable in other things. But not this. I can’t be like you. I can’t be satisfied with both of us living our own lives well even when we’re apart, satisfied with occasionally contacting each other and wishing each other well, and then loving each other in such a gentle and calm way. I can’t do it…….”

Ling Xinlu shook his head pleadingly.

He had been thinking for many days. During the sleepless nights, spending most of his time thinking about Yuri, he had also thought about that.

But no matter how hard he tried to think and how hard he tried, he couldn’t do it.

Just imagining Yuri being content while away from him made his eyes darken.

“You saved me.”

Because his heart ached and was choked with emotion, because he felt wronged and pitiful, what finally burst out were distorted words of complaint.

“You pulled me up from the sea. You took me out of Seringe. No matter what I said, you still arbitrarily saved me because you didn’t want me to be hurt.”

Ling Xinlu’s eyes, filled with anger, stabbed into Yuri. His trembling voice rang out with a plea.

“So save me to the end.”

“If you don’t save me this time, I will be hurt much more than before.” – Ling Xinlu spoke threateningly, tightening his grip on the blanket as he spoke.

He actually wanted to grasp his wrist, just a handspan away, but he was afraid he would shake him off, afraid he wouldn’t want it, so he didn’t dare touch him. Instead, he gripped the blanket so tightly that his knuckles turned white, absolutely refusing to let go.