The study is too spacious.

……Or not, if you think about it, its size is actually similar to the bedroom. Or even, considering the furniture and decorative items in the bedroom, the bedroom should feel more spacious. But somehow, the study gives off the impression of being much larger. Perhaps it’s because the ceiling light and wallpaper have a colder tone.

That’s why Christoph doesn’t like it.

Because it makes he feel like he’s having sex in a vast space.

“……, uh, ……, don’t like it.”

Even the sofa, wide enough to be a regular bed, doesn’t satisfy him at the moment. The light feels too glaring. Even the curtains being drawn up made him uncomfortable – even though this was the 2nd floor and outside there was only a large garden – but it was impossible to see inside from the outside.

However, there is no time to talk about such things.

“Don’t like it? What do you mean you don’t like it, huh? Chris.”

Richard’s whisper echoed in my ear. Christoph wanted to say something, but a hand stealthily slipped inside the disheveled shirt, caressing his back and exploring upwards, leaving him speechless as he had to take a deep breath.

“At this point, this level of interaction doesn’t seem unacceptable. Doing it with me is fine. But with someone else, you wouldn’t tolerate even a single finger touching you…… right?”

“Ah! ……, huh, don’t.”

“Uh?” – Along with the fleeting question and the man’s finger pressing lightly on Christoph’s chest, Christoph flinched and shook his head, but the words didn’t escape his mouth. Because Richard had already blocked his mouth.

As if wanting to devour, their lips pressed tightly together, along with fingers gripping the tips of the chest, Richard forcefully pressed down on Christoph’s body, which was bouncing up and down. Richard’s erection, almost fully erect, was clearly felt between the man’s bare thighs.

“Ri, Richard,”

“Chris. I just need you to be happy.”

Suddenly, Richard pulled away and whispered. The more serious and subdued tone made Christoph swallow his words without being able to utter them.

Suddenly, Richard pulled his lips away and whispered. His voice was more serious and subdued, causing Christoph to swallow his words without being able to utter them.

Right in front of him, Richard was looking down at Christoph.

“If you can be happy and joyful even for a moment, then I’m willing to endure all the hardships for a few months just for that. I’m willing to pay any price. I have no intention of asking or boasting about anything with you. Just seeing your happy face is enough…….But,”

Richard’s face slowly moved closer. Forehead touched forehead. Nose touched nose. Richard’s expression was no longer visible. Christoph just quietly blinked.

“I hope you understand. Among the things I give you, nothing is light and trivial.”

Everything.

No matter how small or precious, Richard gave it to him with the sole thought that as long as Christoph was happy.

Christoph always remembered that whenever Richard gave him something, he would always watch him intently. A small smile, or a joyful expression, as if not wanting to miss anything.

And when he saw Christoph radiant with joy, he didn’t know what expression Richard had while looking at him.

“――I know.”

Christoph himself didn’t know which was more surprising: Christoph whispering as if not wanting anyone to hear, or wrapping his arms around Richard’s neck. Richard’s hesitation was conveyed through the arms holding Christoph tightly.

“I know. And that’s what I like.”

Occasionally, Christoph would whisper in Richard’s ear.

“Books are fine. No matter how precious they are, what makes me happier is that you thought about what I wanted and searched for it for me――that’s what I like.”

Christoph’s lips trembled. The words stuck in his throat suddenly burst out in no order. Even Christoph didn’t know what he was trying to say, yet he didn’t know if Richard understood.

“The gift you gave me wasn’t the book, but that.”

‘Such objects don’t matter. Because I’ve received something else, something better. The book is just a shell, only the outer form remains. What sparkles and is desirable inside it has completely belonged to me.’

“That’s why. Because of that………….”

‘I think I can let it go. Because the most precious thing inside has belonged to me. So, I let go of the empty shell.’

That wasn’t the right thing to do.

‘If I had known it would hurt like this, I definitely wouldn’t have done it.’

Christoph’s voice faltered midway. He wanted to say something more but didn’t know what to say. So, he just tightened his arms around Richard’s neck.

Richard was silent for a long time. Then,

“That’s right.”

One sentence, just that. That’s all Richard said.

But the hand gently stroking Christophe’s head was incredibly soft, and just that was enough.

Richard slowly lowered his head. Their lips met again. Chris seemed to have whispered something, but the words disappeared in his mouth, so it was impossible to know. Yet just knowing that a gentle sound had brushed past his tongue was enough.

The strength of the arms holding Christoph became stronger. The hand that had been caressing his body gradually became slower and more delicate.

In that warm embrace, Christophe exhaled gently. What was pressing on his throat, what was heavily weighing on his heart, all of it was now released and drifted away. In this warm and comfortable place, Christophe closed his eyes.

Feeling the softness of the lips gently caressing his cheek, even though he had experienced it hundreds, thousands of times, that feeling was always fresh, Christoph shivered slightly and felt as if Richard’s wounded heart had somewhat calmed, so he added another sentence.

“I told Taei that I would get that book back. This weekend I’ll go get it back.”

But as soon as those words were spoken.

The hand holding Christoph suddenly stopped. The hand caressing his cheek also stopped.

In that sudden silence, Christoph raised his head suspiciously, but Richard’s face was so close that it was impossible to clearly see his expression. However,  

“This weekend, you’re meeting him again?”  

When Richard softly asked, Christoph heard that low voice and felt that something was off. A fleeting thought crossed his mind that perhaps he’d made a mistake, but before he could figure out what and why, the hand gripping his thigh tightened painfully.  

“That’s right, you’re staying in Germany this winter, aren’t you? ……Spending the whole winter with Jeong Tay, Chris?”  

“No, it’s not like that.”  

“Chris, do you want to insert ‘it’ in him?”  

As soon as Richard asked softly, Christoph’s eyes widened and he shook his head vigorously.  

“I would never think of such a thing!”  

“Then is it that you want to be stuffed?”  

“Not a chance! Something like this, apart from you, it couldn’t possibly be with anyone else! If it’s someone giving it, then maybe, but to accept it—it could only ever be you.” 

Even now, being touched by someone still made Christoph uncomfortable. Only with this man was it different. When their skin touched deeply, even though his body quivered and tensed, it was only with this man that he could completely open his heart.  

However, it seemed that sentiment also wasn’t fully conveyed, so Richard’s expression, half smiling, halted midway.  

“……What if someone else gave it?”  

Richard murmured, repeating those words, then reached toward Christoph’s groin. That hand, seemingly gentle, immediately grasped Christoph’s genitals without hesitation. Christoph swallowed hard.  

“That’s right, Chris. I don’t think you’ll ever open up to anyone else. Because when you’re with me—even now, you’ve become used to me and even feel intense pleasure—even though each moment you still feel discomfort, let alone with someone else. There’s no way you would accept another man inside your body…… But,”  

Richard’s hand moved gently, as though he were stroking a delicate small creature, carefully kneading Christoph’s genitals. Christoph, gripping Richard’s shoulders tightly, flinched and instinctively tried to push him away, but Richard didn’t budge.  

“Do you think anyone else could manage this besides me?”  

“Ah, um,――.”  

Richard gripped Christoph’s genitals firmly. Christoph nervously swallowed his saliva. Richard’s voice remained gentle, though it lowered slightly.  

“Previously, I heard from a friend in that field that it’s a simple surgery. They just lightly cut a nerve inside the penis; the process is a bit intricate, but it doesn’t affect daily life. It’s just that you can’t get erect anymore, that’s all. You can’t engage in penetration anymore, just that…… though they said there’s no issue with taking men from behind, experiencing pleasure, and reaching climax. ……What do you think, Chris? Would you like to try that surgery?”  

Richard bent down slightly, looking into Christoph’s wide-open eyes. Seeing Richard’s faint smile made Christoph freeze, his face paling, unable even to look away, only shaking his head in panic.  

“……No.”  

The weak, trembling voice sounded as if it were about to vanish. His eyes wavered like a cornered animal. Richard’s voice grew even gentler.  

“Why? Didn’t you say you’d only have sex with me? Then you wouldn’t need this anymore in the future, right? Or are you planning to use it with someone else someday?”  

Richard’s hand suddenly tightened around Christoph’s genitals. Christoph flinched, trying to push him away, but the distance between them didn’t decrease; instead, Richard leaned in even closer.  

Christoph’s eyes wavered more nervously by the second. His voice, increasingly uneasy, escaped in broken fragments.  

“No, it’s not like that. But no…… not that.”  

“Why? Up until now, you’ve never used this with anyone else, right? Have you? Or are you thinking of doing so someday? Hm?”  

“No. I won’t. I won’t. I won’t.”  

“Then there’s no issue. Whether you have the surgery or not, for you, it wouldn’t be any different than it is now. Except that your body would become one that couldn’t harmonize with anyone else but me. Why wouldn’t you want that?”  

“――. No, it’s not that,”  

His voice stammered, lips trembling. His anxious, quivering eyes sought Richard’s, as if to discern whether this was a joke or simply empty talk. But Richard’s expression carried only calmness, entirely unreadable. The hand grasping Christoph’s genitals moved more slowly and steadily.  

“Are you uneasy, Christoph?”  

“――.”  

Richard, staring intently at Christoph’s snow-white face, suddenly smiled. That smile carried a hint of bitterness, causing Christoph to unconsciously look at Richard’s mouth. As a result, he noticed that those lips were trembling slightly, almost inaudibly.

‘――I never thought you would be even more anxious than this.’

Like a whisper softer than the wind, Richard’s lips moved faintly. Christoph watched with wide-open eyes.

But before any thought could form in Christoph’s mind, Richard’s hand suddenly became rough, as if driven by a surge of emotion.

“――!!!”

A cry escaped, and Christoph’s body flinched. But before his body could settle, Richard grasped the genitalia he was holding more firmly, and soft moans began to mix with Christoph’s breath.

“Don’t let anyone else touch you.”

Although he tried to suppress them, from time to time moans, and even sobs, escaped. Richard muttered.

“Don’t get close to anyone. Don’t grow close to anyone. Just look at me――just look at me.”

His voice was low, hoarse, and as rough as his touch. Richard also took out his own erect penis and grasped Christoph’s, stroking them together.

Before long, both reached their peak, and no one could tell who was the first; both ejaculated intensely, accompanied by moans that were nearly indistinguishable as to whom they belonged.

In the silent room, only the sound of heavy breathing resonated, and the oppressive heat gradually dissipated.

At some point, large tears began to roll down Christoph’s cheeks. Amid Christoph’s breaths, as he clung tightly to Richard’s neck, intermittent sobs escaped within each breath.

“Hic, uhh, ――hic, hic …………, ……―.”

The sound of stifled sobs carried a deep sense of resentment and pain.

Richard gradually slowed his movements. He looked down at Christoph, who was hanging onto his neck, and murmured softly.

“Don’t cry, Christoph.”

“……―.”

“Don’t cry. “

“I, this sort of thing, with anyone other than you……”

Christoph managed to force out words between sobs, crying like a child. Witnessing Christoph like this, Richard’s eyes gradually softened.

“Yes. I know.”

Looking at Christoph in astonishment, Richard let out a small sigh. His hands gently embraced Christoph, stroking his head before sliding down to hold his back.

“Don’t cry…… I was wrong.”

“I, anyone else, you……”

Although Christoph could only stammer fragments of sentences, Richard still responded: “That’s right”, and gently patted Christoph’s back.

After holding Christoph tightly and softly stroking his back for some time, Christoph’s trembling body gradually began to calm down. After a while, suddenly,

“Idiot. How could you not see?”

Christoph whispered through his tear-streaked voice. Richard lightly kissed Christoph’s earlobe and murmured: “I know.”

“Even though I know, there are times I still can’t endure the insecurity…… It’s not your fault, but my own issue. I’ve known this from the start.”

A bitter smile flickered faintly by his ear.

From the beginning. From the moment he had Christoph. Even though Christoph was now his, and it was certain that Christoph was his, it was so precious, so precious that everyone envied and desired it, and he was constantly afraid it might be taken away, or that he might lose it.

“This is the burden I must bear for the rest of my life…… If I could, I wouldn’t want you to see it.”

“If you knew how greedy I am, you would surely hate me.” A soft laugh echoed. That laugh quickly disappeared, and a short silence enveloped the room. In that silence, Richard slowly caressed Christoph in his arms like a precious object.

“……Fool.”

The suppressed and resentful voice burst out. Richard just smiled lightly instead of answering and kissed Christoph. The moist lips seemed to murmur: ‘I have no other choice.’

“You don’t need to get that book. Go to Dresden immediately.”

“I will get it back.”

Christoph shook his head at Richard’s words. Richard raised an eyebrow.

“No need to get it. Just give it to me, there’s no need to stop by Riegrow’s house, just come straight here.”

“No, I will get it.”

Christoph shook his head again, and Richard silently looked at him. For a moment, a wrinkle appeared on his forehead.

“I don’t want…… Just because of a book, for you to meet him.”

Faced with Richard’s determined words, Christoph momentarily appeared troubled. He looked at Richard quite confused for a moment but then stubbornly shook his head again.

“No, I will take it. I want to do it.”

“…… Don’t I want it?”

Christoph did not answer. His confused gaze lingered on Richard’s nape, but there were no words saying: ‘Then I won’t go.’

“I’m just going to get the book, no need to be sad. I’m just stopping by for a bit.”

“Wait a moment…………Alright, if that’s really the case, then do it this way.”

After looking down at Christoph, who was speaking hesitantly, Richard quickly nodded in agreement. Then, he gently smiled at Christoph, who was looking at him with suspicion.