Then, when something that wasn’t a real finger went inside, even the last shred of lucidity to beg the person to stop vanished, and he could only hastily chase after the sparks that scattered randomly before his eyes. Around the time those sparks exploded violently, his consciousness would flicker out at some point.

And like that——depending on the occasion, sometimes for a few seconds, sometimes for several tens of minutes, he would wake up, or sometimes just drift off to sleep.

Christoph listened to the sound of water echoing from the bathroom, then sluggishly pushed himself up to sit. The feeling of damp fluid oozing from below made him shudder, but going into the bathroom to wash up was out of the question since Richard was already in there.

……, No, that wasn’t it. He wasn’t taking a shower.

Mixed in with the rushing water were other sounds. Gasps of suppressed breathing, the occasional soft moan, all blending with the sound of the water, faint enough to be barely audible.

“……”

Christoph stared glumly at his toes.

It was happening again. Richard was taking care of his needs himself. Despite having just been entangled with Christoph for hours, it seemed he still wasn’t satisfied.

“You told me you were okay……”

Christoph muttered to himself petulantly.

Throughout their lovemaking, Richard had been kissing Christoph. He’d been panting, and repeatedly saying how good it felt. And during that time, he hadn’t forgotten to be attentive to Christoph’s state, meticulously asking: “Is this okay?”, “How about this?”.

That considerate and attentive attitude was completely different from before—right before leaving Dresden.

But if he was taking such devoted care of Christoph, yet wasn’t satisfied himself……

“……Okay my ass……”

Christoph clicked his tongue and grumbled.

Just then, the sound of water in the bathroom stopped. Shortly after, the bathroom door opened and Richard stepped out.

He had a towel wrapped around his waist and was wiping his wet hair as he walked out, then seemed surprised to see Christoph sitting up. “You’re awake?”

Christoph silently nodded.

“You cried so much I thought you’d sleep longer.”

Richard said, then picked up the glass of water on the table. While he drank refreshingly, Christoph pondered in silence, then abruptly asked,

“Is my body a bit tight?”

Faced with Christoph’s serious expression and question, Richard choked on the water and coughed. Then he wiped the corner of his mouth with the back of his hand and looked at Christoph with a questioning gaze.

“Body? ……Inside?”

Richard gestured with his eyes towards Christoph’s groin to confirm the question. Christoph nodded. Richard looked at Christoph for a moment, puzzled, but then obediently answered.

“Well, it is tight. Moreover, you’re sensitive, so you clench tightly. Sometimes so tight it hurts. ……Why do you ask, all of a sudden?”

Richard approached Christoph, who was sitting on the bed with his legs stretched out, then pulled a chair beside the bed and sat down. Christoph frowned and only replied: “Nothing.”

‘So, because it hurts like that, you can’t be satisfied inside’ – Those words, even if his mouth were torn open, he couldn’t utter them.

Richard looked at Christoph quizzically for a long moment, then brought the glass of water to his lips again and asked,

“What about you? How was it today?”

“Today……, like always. Or maybe even more intense than usual. Every time you moved, I felt like electricity was running through my body……, ……aches all over, I’m exhausted. It’s hard for me to stay conscious, so it’s very tiring.”

Christoph sighed. Every time he made love with this man, he always felt this way. It had been like this from the beginning, but for some reason, the more they did it, the more pronounced it became.

Richard offered Christoph the glass of water he was drinking. Christoph glanced at the half-full glass and then gave him a sharp look.

“You’re telling me to drink your backwash?”

“You’re over your mysophobia, aren’t you?”

“……”

Christoph was speechless at that reply. Though still slightly hesitant about such things, Christoph obediently accepted the glass. In truth, he was now able to share drinks with Richard. Richard watched silently as Christoph drained the glass, then clicked his tongue and said,

“You looked so tired, so I tried to make it comfortable and pleasurable for you…… but it seems it wasn’t very effective.”

Christoph kept the glass at his lips, only raising his eyes to look at him. Richard sighed, furrowing his brow with a worried expression.

Christoph knew. That this man was always observing and trying his best for him during their lovemaking. ……That was why, even if he lost all reason, screaming wildly to the point of losing control, he could still comfortably expose everything in front of him.

“Then you……, ……probably weren’t very comfortable, were you?”

Christoph said: “In a situation where you have to practice to improve your clumsy skills, you probably can’t comfortably do as you please.” Richard refilled the empty glass that Christoph handed back, murmuring: “Well……”

“But it’s okay. I’m gradually getting used to it. And your body’s sensitivity too……. It’ll be alright.”

Richard said it as if it wasn’t a big deal. But Christoph remained silent.

“——You probably weren’t very comfortable, were you?”

“——Well……”

That short reply echoed in his mind.

“As long as you’re mine, that’s all that matters. Just that alone helps me endure it somewhat.”

Richard offered the glass of water to Christoph again. Christoph shook his head in refusal; he had just drunk his fill.

“It’s okay, I can endure it,” – A gentle smile played at the corners of Richard’s eyes as he spoke and looked at Christoph. Christoph silently nodded.

His heart suddenly throbbed. Those seemingly casual words held such sincerity, causing his heart to stir and pound.

But at the same time,

A corner of his chest grew heavy. Because Richard was enduring. That thought made him sad.

“But why are you suddenly bringing this up? Is something wrong?”

Richard asked again, puzzled. Christoph shook his head.

“It’s nothing. I was just thinking. I myself have never experienced a ‘comfortable relationship,’ but I think you haven’t either.”

The expression on Richard’s face momentarily vanished. His gaze seemed to turn cold. But as if Christoph had seen wrong, immediately after, Richard smiled calmly as usual.

“A comfortable relationship, huh……? What’s this about? Are you eager to experience it that much? Or is there someone around who can give you that comfortable relationship?”

Christoph’s eyes sharpened as Richard joked and laughed. “There’s no one,” – He retorted curtly. Richard seemed to realize Christoph was annoyed by the question and chuckled softly. He gently stroked Christoph’s hair, pulled him closer, and leaned down.

“Why would you say such a thing? I have to go to London the day after tomorrow, and I won’t see you for half a month. You’re making me worried about leaving you alone.”

“It’s only half a month.”

Christoph muttered, frowning. But he couldn’t say anything more. Because Richard’s soft lips covered his. “Don’t look at anyone else. I can patiently wait for other things, but not this,” – He whispered, a playful joke tinged with a light laugh.

**************

The man whose head Christoph occasionally had a strong urge to shoot actually sent it.

[Taei really likes this toy, so take good care of it and return it, okay?]

A card written in unbelievably soft handwriting, contrasting sharply with his unpleasant personality, was placed neatly on top of it in the box. Christoph felt as if he could hear Jeong Taeui yelling ‘YAAA!!!’ from behind the card.

Christoph sometimes felt that Riegrow was a strange man. He had a frighteningly accurate ability to grasp the timing of things. Although he couldn’t possibly know other circumstances, he created moments with such precision as if everything had been arranged specifically for that instant.

This time was one of those times.

Christoph swore he’d never been interested in anything called an ‘adult toy’. But before this, he’d also never been interested in sleeping with women, and naturally, had never considered using such things on a man’s body. Let alone using it on himself; he’d never even imagined it in his dreams.

Just the thought of touching that phallic object to his own body felt wrong, let alone inserting it; it was absurd. Utterly unacceptable.

However,

Ilay Riegrow was a terrifying man with an impeccable sense of timing. This time was no exception.

“Damn it…… what’s even good about this thing?”

Christoph muttered and grimaced. It took a great deal of courage and deliberation to even bring himself to touch the object, which he found repulsive even to look at, to his body. But the reason he overcame all that discomfort and resistance, ultimately touching it, was because of the words that kept echoing in his mind.

“——A small hole will hurt and be uncomfortable when it clenches tight. How about trying to loosen it up?”

“——Well, it’s tight. ……Sometimes it clenches so tight it hurts.”

“——Well…… (it’s probably not very comfortable)”

Those words drowned out his internal protests, the ones that questioned why he had to do this, the ones that insisted he wouldn’t.

And finally, after tossing it under the bed and tossing and turning until late at night, he clicked his tongue, then sat up and retrieved it.

Inserting it wasn’t too difficult. Although it had a vibration function, he’d resolved never to use it. He carefully applied lubricant and slowly pushed it in. Because the size wasn’t too large, it went in easily.

But whether during insertion or after, he still couldn’t understand what was supposed to be good about it. It wasn’t too big, so insertion was easy, but the feeling of fullness inside made his stomach ache dully.

Christoph felt like crying, but he held back. He thought that doing this to himself and then crying would be utterly stupid. After all, once he’d tried it, it was best to try and get the most out of it, he reasoned.

If he wanted to loosen it up, he definitely had to move it. Christoph grabbed the loathsome object, unsure of where to grip it, and thrust. The feeling of disgust mixed with discomfort made his skin crawl, but despite his pale face, he didn’t stop. Christoph was known for a stubbornness that bordered on obstinacy. The fact that he was nauseous enough to run to the bathroom and vomit didn’t stop him from trying all night—until he was exhausted and fell asleep.

Nothing is impossible to get used to. Even something that induces nausea and extreme discomfort with every use. But with iron determination, he persevered every night, and after a few days, the nausea subsided.

“……”

Christoph looked down at the object that was now moving easily in and out of his body thanks to the lubricant……, then let out a faint sigh.

Even now, he still couldn’t believe it. That he was actually putting this hideous silicone thing inside himself. And all because he wanted to see Richard happy.

But it was true. He wanted to see him happy. He wanted him to smile brightly, just like the day they met in front of the house in Dresden. That face was still vividly etched in his memory, unforgettable.

If only he would enjoy it. If only he could feel comfortable. If only he wouldn’t feel pain from being squeezed so tightly.

His own desires no longer mattered. He’d pushed aside any longing for a peaceful, easy, and comfortable relationship. He just wanted to see Richard’s happy face.

Christoph picked up his phone. He looked at the calendar displayed on the screen. It was still more than a week before Richard would return from his half-month business trip to London. During that time, it would be great if his insides could loosen up a bit. Would he like it, he wondered?

“……”

Wishing he could see his happy face, Christoph sighed and thrust the loathsome object again. But this thing was even thinner than Richard’s penis, which he was already accustomed to. He began to doubt whether it could actually stretch him.

However, after several days of persistent ‘exploration’, it seemed his body was gradually getting used to the object. And sometimes, when it moved inside, he felt a jolt of electricity run along a certain point. The sensation wasn’t as intense as the shivers that ran through his entire body from head to toe when he made love with Richard, but it was somewhat similar. A slightly tingling sensation.

“…….”

His breathing became ragged.

Christoph panted, his hand still moving. He didn’t know how to describe this feeling. A stimulation that was causing his lower half to gradually harden.

And then, just as the gradually warming sensation intensified, and his breathing grew more rapid……

*Buzz, buzz*…… His phone vibrated. He checked and saw it was Richard, the phone he’d been holding since checking the calendar. Christoph reflexively pressed the answer button. And in the next second, he clicked his tongue in foolish regret.

[“Hello? ……Hello? ……Christoph?”]

Richard’s voice came through the phone, calling Christoph’s name with a hint of doubt after a few hellos. But at that moment, Christoph was panting and couldn’t speak normally. He stopped moving his hand, trying to regulate his breathing.

“Yeah, Richard. What’s up? It’s late.”

Christoph hastily replied. But this time, there was no response from the other end.

“……Richard?”

Christoph called out to him, finally hearing a short reply: [“Yeah.”] Immediately after, a slightly teasing voice followed.

[“Your voice sounds strange. What are you doing?”]

“Huh?! I’m not doing anything!”

Christoph was startled, quickly retorting as soon as Richard finished speaking. And this time, a longer silence followed. A heavier silence compared to the previous, slightly surprised one.

[“……What are you doing that you can’t talk? Or are you doing something you can’t talk about?”]

Then the teasing voice returned.

Perhaps this was what it felt like to be doing something wrong – even though it wasn’t actually wrong – Christoph unconsciously shuddered. The hand gripping the handle of the toy inside him trembled as well.

At that moment, a soft “Mmn~……” escaped his lips.

A faint moan like a whisper of wind. A gasp so quiet that even he could barely hear it.

But just then, Christoph’s heart went cold as the other end of the line fell silent again.

[“……Christoph?”]

“——Yeah.”

Damn it, Christoph glanced at the clock. It was past midnight. This courteous man rarely called at this hour. Why now, of all times?

“So, what’s up? You rarely call at this time.”

Christoph tried to suppress his still-trembling voice, striving to sound as normal as possible, but he wasn’t sure if he was succeeding. His heart pounded anxiously.

“……I was about to go to bed. I just suddenly felt like calling you. ……Are you having trouble with something? Or do you have friends over?”

Even though he knew Christoph had practically no friends, Christoph frowned, unsure if he was being sarcastic.

More importantly, what should he do now? Richard didn’t usually talk on the phone for very long, but when he suddenly called ‘for no reason’ in the middle of the night like this, the conversation tended to drag on. And there wasn’t usually any specific topic; it simply went on and on. As if he just wanted to hear his voice for a while before hanging up.

He suddenly became acutely aware of the toy inside him. He’d felt it ever since he’d heard Richard’s voice. He was very clearly aware of the object’s presence, stretching him from the inside. ……So aware, in fact, that his voice kept trembling. The tingling sensation inside even intensified. As if Richard’s voice were some kind of catalyst.

He thought it would be better to just pull it out.

Christoph tightened his grip on the toy’s handle. It would be better to pull it out in one go rather than slowly draw it out. To prevent his hand from slipping due to the lubricant, Christoph gripped the handle tightly and tried to answer the phone as naturally as possible.

“You said you’d be back next Monday.”

[“Yeah. If everything goes smoothly, I’ll be back then.”]

“Um…… is there any chance of you being later, or earlier?”

One, two……, Christoph counted silently in his head, his hand gradually tightening its grip, while on the other end of the line, Richard chuckled softly.

[“Well, there’s no indication of that at the moment. I should be back on schedule if nothing changes. But your question sounds like a wife suspecting her husband of having an affair on a business trip. Why are you suddenly asking that?”]

“……——Mm, ……!”

Three! Just as his anxious mind reached the count of three, Christoph yanked sharply. But abruptly pulling out the object that had been lodged deep inside was far more painful than he’d anticipated. So painful that a dull ache lingered even after it was removed.

As a result, a short whimper escaped his lips.

And once again, silence descended.

Damn it. Christoph clicked his tongue. A mixture of fluster and embarrassment rendered him speechless.

[“……Christoph. Are you alright?”]

Richard’s voice had deepened, losing its previous teasing lilt. He asked with concern, as if probing to see if he was hurt.

Christoph, bent over from the lingering ache in his lower region, only mumbled: “No……”, then quickly corrected himself: “Ah, yeah. It hurts a little.”

He felt uneasy. His voice was trembling too. It was best to hang up now.

“You should go to sleep now. Come back safe. Bye.”

After rattling off the words in a rapid-fire burst, Christoph fell silent for a moment, only hearing Richard’s gentle reply: “Yeah. You rest too”, before the line went dead.

His heart pounded for a long time afterward.