Hannah blinked. Hans had been quietly sipping his tea this whole time. Richard remained sitting comfortably, his expression giving nothing away about what he was thinking. At first, it seemed no one understood what Christoph had just said. But then, one second, two seconds, three seconds, realization dawned on each of their faces. After the phrase ‘slept with but not a lover’, the ‘bad’ here implied…… what exactly?

The smile on Richard’s face vanished. In contrast, Christoph’s expression showed a hint of satisfaction at this.

“Bad is……?”

Hans hesitantly spoke up. He seemed to want to confirm whether he had misunderstood the physiological meaning of that statement.

“Bed skills. Terribly bad.”

As soon as the blunt, straightforward answer finished, the table fell into a strange silence. Hans’s jaw dropped. Hannah’s eyes darted around. Richard, with a doubly puzzled look, also looked at Christoph.

“Chris. The word ‘bed’――, ……no. Never mind.”

Richard started to explain something but then stopped abruptly mid-sentence. Christoph suddenly realized he had misspoken, so he paused for a moment. But then, seeing Richard about to explain and then stopping, and even slightly narrowing his eyes at him with what looked like a smile – a mocking smile – Christoph’s face darkened further.

“I’ve slept with that person multiple times. Coincidentally. But it was never good. Their skills are truly poor.”

Christoph’s cold tone grew even more biting. Richard’s briefly enlivened face returned to its impassiveness. His lips pressed together tightly.

“Oh…… that bad?”

Seeing Christoph’s ruthless confirmation, Hans muttered as if asking just how bad it could possibly be to warrant such a statement. Christoph glanced at Richard’s increasingly gloomy face, then said cheerfully: “Yeah, terrible. Unbearably clumsy.”

Richard poured more tea into his empty cup, and murmured almost inaudibly: “Is it because you don’t understand it well that you say that……?”. Christoph frowned, and then firmly replied.

“No. If the so-called compatibility in bed truly exists, then I think we are completely incompatible. ……But talking about compatibility doesn’t even apply to that kind of relationship.”

Christoph’s tone held no trace of jest or falsehood. His cold expression, though vaguely tinged with resentment, showed no sign of fabrication.

Richard intently watched Christoph’s every expression with a profound gaze, as if trying to decipher every corner of his face, before lowering his eyes. His expression grew even more somber.

Seeing Richard’s face now a mask of emotionless darkness, Christoph felt a little more at ease. The painful memories of those days came flooding back, bringing him a sense of relief.

“If the other person is that clumsy…… it must have been hard on you. It couldn’t have been pleasant……”

Hannah, who had been listening with a slightly strained expression, softly spoke up. Hearing this, Christoph remembered those days even more vividly, so he frowned and nodded.

It was hard. There wasn’t a single moment that wasn’t difficult. Both mentally and physically, he had never once felt comfortable being intimate with him.

“Every time was exhausting. There wasn’t a single time that was comfortable or enjoyable. Always, during that entire time, I felt like there was an electric current running through my body, never a moment of relaxation.”

It was always like that. Thinking back, it seemed that way from the very first time, when his consciousness was so hazy he was almost unable to stay awake. Until the very last moment when their bodies intertwined, it was always like that. Joyful, comfortable, relaxed—he never once felt that way while doing that.

“After it was over, being caressed sometimes felt quite pleasant…… but, during the act, every cell in my body was tense. It felt like an electric current was constantly buzzing to the tips of my toes, making my body tremble. My back would get so cold it was unbearable. There were so many times I nearly fainted from panting like that. Sometimes I even felt aches, numbness all over, and difficulty breathing. ……Truly clumsy.”

Christoph finished his sentence with a furrowed brow.

He had never been with anyone other than Richard. However, he could vaguely guess what that feeling should be like. That feeling people called wonderful and ecstatic, it must be a relaxed, gentle feeling like slowly drifting off to sleep. Like a fetus enveloped and swimming in the warm waters of darkness.

But his relationship with Richard wasn’t like that. His heart always pounded fiercely, every nerve in his body taut. Every time his fingers brushed against him, that place would burn as if scalded.

He couldn’t stay conscious. It felt like his mind was being pushed to its limits. Unease, breathlessness, and a current of varying intensity constantly running through his body.

There was no way to call that feeling pleasant.

“In the end, it only stopped when my body was so exhausted it had almost no strength left. ……Truly terrible skill.”

Christoph sighed. For a man to be called incompetent in that area was a blow to his pride, which was why Christoph had vented so spitefully, but after getting it off his chest and feeling a bit lighter, he slightly regretted being so blunt.

Christoph withdrew his gaze from the empty space where he’d been lost in memories. And then he noticed. The three people in front of him were looking at him strangely. It was a different kind of strange than before.

Hans wore a dubious expression as if he didn’t understand what he had just heard, Hannah similarly wore a dumbfounded look. She raised her delicate eyebrows, and,

Richard’s face was now extremely odd.

“……, ……?”

Christoph frowned slightly. He was a little bewildered.

Richard silently looked at Christoph, then, as if nothing had happened, he raised a hand to rub his chin. Covering the lower half of his face as if in thought, he glanced away. He seemed flustered.

“Christoph……, about that……”

Hans grimaced strangely, started to say something, and then closed his mouth. Hannah, always calm, just silently sipped her tea without saying a word.

The atmosphere became suspiciously strange for some reason. But before Christoph could tilt his head and open his mouth to question them, Richard spoke, his voice a little lower than usual.

“This doesn’t seem like something we should continue discussing in front of a woman. Let’s stop here. ―― So, we’ve finished our tea, shall we go back now?”

Richard placed his empty cup down, looking over at Hans and Hannah. Hans, who was about to put his cup down, mumbled: “Yeah, alright”, then froze and asked Richard: “Go back? We still have work, don’t we?” Richard looked directly at him as if he’d asked a very strange question.

“We can work individually in our own rooms, can’t we? If there’s anything you need to ask, just contact me.”

It was clearly a dismissal.

But just as Richard said, there was no need for Hans and Hannah to stay and work there any longer, so they quickly gathered their things and left. During the time they were packing up their laptops, documents, personal belongings,…… an unusual silence filled the room.

In that silence, Christoph also remained quiet, and slightly regretted his words. He thought the reason for this silence must be because he had ‘said things he shouldn’t have in front of a woman’. Otherwise, why would they have given him such strange and puzzled looks upon hearing about the clumsy skills of Christoph’s ex-lover—though not exactly an ex-lover. But really, whether male or female, it wasn’t something to discuss casually in front of others.

Even though Christoph was often said to lack ‘common sense’ in some areas, in others, he was quite conscientious, so he (quite unlike himself) saw Hannah, who was quietly holding her laptop, documents, and so forth, all the way to the door.

“……Good night.”

Yet, even as he stood before the two who had stepped out the door, Christoph wasn’t tactful enough to offer a polite: “I think I misspoke, I’m sorry.” Christoph only offered a brief farewell, and Hans seemed surprised, widening his eyes and replying: “Yeah, you too. Good night.” Hannah, on the other hand, looked at Christoph with a complex expression, then sighed softly. She started to say something but stopped, finally just saying: “Rest well”, and turned away.

Christoph tilted his head, feeling a bit awkward, then returned to the room.

Inside the room, Richard was still there alone, sitting in front of his laptop. But he wasn’t working. The screensaver was running on the laptop screen, which he hadn’t touched.

Richard looked back at Christoph. Their eyes met. A brief silence passed.

Thinking back, he had just overheard the phrase: “That person is really bad.” Christoph braced himself, anticipating a confrontation, and looked directly at him without flinching. But inwardly, he thought that he hadn’t lied.

However, contrary to expectations, Richard was the first to avert his gaze, looking out the window where only the night was visible. It was unclear whether he was flustered, uncomfortable, or confused, but such a feeling flickered across his profile.

“……?”

Christoph frowned and sank onto the sofa. He wondered if he’d said something inappropriate, it was a bit much, he rarely reflected on himself like this. While Christoph was burying himself in the sofa, Richard, still staring out the window, suddenly spoke.

“It seems like Hannah is interested in you.”

Christoph snapped out of his thoughts and looked at Richard. Seeing him still looking out the window, he followed his gaze, wondering what was out there, and then their eyes met in the glass, reflecting like a mirror. He must have been looking at Christoph through the window’s reflection all this time.

Christoph raised an eyebrow slightly. He tried to erase the vaguely awkward expression on his face, then considered the unexpected topic he’d brought up.

“Interested? In me? How so?”

Christoph muttered, “I haven’t done anything to her.” Richard didn’t answer his question, turning away from the window, and looking directly at Christoph before asking.

“She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”

“I don’t even like my own face in the mirror every day, and now I have to care about other people’s faces? ――Well…… alright. She’s pretty.”

Christoph frowned, thought for a moment, and then nodded. Richard continued.

“She’d look good standing next to you.”

“No, not at all.”

“Yeah, no, not at all.”

Christoph looked at him suspiciously, wondering if something was wrong with him, his words changing so abruptly in a single second.

“Forget it.”

Richard clicked his tongue, seemingly not understanding his own actions. Then he turned away, lost in thought as if reminiscing about something. Another silence fell.

Christoph continued to watch him with suspicion, it seemed like he wanted to say something but couldn’t. Finally, Richard slowly began to speak.

“Before, when you slept with me……”

Richard paused, as if choosing his words carefully. Here it comes, here it comes, Christoph braced himself for the criticism.

“Were you…… that uncomfortable?”

Richard glanced slightly away, not looking directly at Christoph. His hand, rubbing his chin, seemed stiff.

Christoph looked at Richard in slight surprise.

He was clearly bothered by what Christoph had said. It seemed the phrases about him being bad and clumsy had struck a nerve.

Christoph felt a flicker of malicious satisfaction ‘Serves you right!’, but then he thought he might have touched on a sensitive spot. He’d been prepared for a backlash, but seeing him ask so cautiously, he felt a little, just a tiny bit, remorseful…… So, Christoph glanced at Richard and decided to be magnanimous.

“It wasn’t so discouraging as to give up…….It’s true I could never truly relax, but……”

“……Was it always like that? Always…… —to use your words, did it always feel like there was an electric current running through you? Like you were suffocating?”

Richard still didn’t look at Christoph as he asked. His tone was indifferent, almost as if he were angry.

Christoph looked at him for a moment, then sighed. If he wanted to know where he was clumsy, it was better to answer honestly.

“Yes. I don’t really remember the first couple of times, I wasn’t really paying attention, but after that, it was always like that.”

“…….When was that feeling the strongest?”

This was unusual for Richard; there was a hesitation in his speech.

Christoph took a long moment to think. It hadn’t happened just once or twice, so he couldn’t remember every single instance, but if it was when the feeling was strongest——.

“When you called my name.”

Christoph answered indifferently. Richard, who had been looking away, turned to look at him for the first time. He stared at Christoph without blinking, as if he had heard something completely unexpected. He seemed slightly taken aback.

“Name?”

“When you were about to climax, there were a few times you called my name. At those times, I got goosebumps, and my back went cold. I also felt short of breath, and my vision blurred for a moment.”

Not only when he was about to climax. Sometimes, in the middle of it, Richard would unconsciously murmur Christoph’s name. When that husky voice, like a whisper of wind, reached his ears, Christoph felt it. Heat bloomed within him, and his head spun.

“…………”

As the memory flooded back, Christoph felt his body heat up slightly. He frowned and silently shook his head. Then, abruptly, he looked at Richard. Christoph froze, his eyes fixed on him.

Richard’s face was flushed crimson.

He slightly averted his gaze from Christoph – a sight Christoph was certain he had never witnessed before – his face completely red.

“……Are you alright?”

Christoph blurted out the question, having never imagined such a thing. Richard, seemingly realizing his face was flushed, replied in a colder tone than usual: “It’s nothing.”

Another silence fell. Christoph thought to himself: ‘Tonight is truly a strange night’, and stared intently at that rare sight with a large question mark on his face. But before long, Richard regained his usual composure. Only Christoph felt a bit awkward, so he magnanimously said:

“There’s no need to be ashamed of being bad at it. Being a little unskilled in bed doesn’t really affect life.”

“……Yeah, that’s right.”

But Richard’s voice was still colder than usual.

Christoph, quite surprised, stared at him, realizing that this man could also show such an expression. Then their eyes met. Richard, as if understanding what Christoph was thinking, frowned slightly. He coldly turned his face away.

In that moment, Christoph felt a softening in his chest. Like a soft, fluffy ball of cotton suddenly unfurling.

He smiled without realizing it. He chuckled softly to himself for a moment, then his eyes met Richard’s. Richard had shed his usual impassive expression and was looking at Christoph. His eyes, fixed on Christoph without a word, narrowed slightly as if dazzled.

“If there’s something not good, you can just practice more, there’s no need to be discouraged.”

Richard silently watched Christoph comforting him with unusual generosity. He stared blankly until Christoph’s smile faded, returning to his usual expression, and then muttered as if to himself:

“It seems you’re still diligently practicing smiling.”

Christoph tilted his head. He suddenly remembered, back in Dresden, he had practiced smiling. But after that, he hadn’t made the effort anymore. Christoph shrugged slightly, and Richard didn’t say anything more.

Instead, he leaned back in his chair and sighed. His eyes drifted into space, as if searching for something distant. Or perhaps some distant time. Then he suddenly murmured, his voice languid as if speaking to himself:

“Yes. Even things you’re not good at will improve with practice. But…… there are things you don’t need to practice from the beginning, because you’re already good at them.”

Richard’s gaze flickered across the corner of Christoph’s lips. There, the smile that had just faded, now left no trace. Only a single sentence remained, after a moment of hesitation:

“But you’re really bad.”

“…………”

Christoph’s serious affirmation seemed to snap Richard out of his reverie. He looked at Christoph with a wry expression.

“Then how about you help me practice?”

“Huh?”

“If it’s practicing smiling, you can do it yourself by looking in the mirror, but in my case, I can’t practice alone.”

Christoph’s face immediately hardened. He fell silent and just stared at Richard. Richard, as if not expecting a favorable answer, looked back out into space. He, too, fell silent, seemingly lost in thought.

Christoph picked up his teacup from the table. The remaining tea had grown cold, but he silently drank it all. Even though it was cold, the feeling of the tea flowing down his throat was still as soothing as when it was hot.

“Christoph.”

Richard suddenly called out. Christoph looked away from the tea leaves settled at the bottom of the cup and looked at him. He was still looking into space.

Even though he knew Christoph was looking at him in response, Richard continued to stare at the space in front of him. He blinked slowly, then called again.

“Christoph.”

“……What?”

Even though Christoph had answered, Richard didn’t reply. His voice was soft, like a whisper. As if he were quietly reciting the name to himself.

A moment later, Richard, still looking into space – or perhaps at something in his memories – suddenly murmured: “Me too.” His voice was low, as if speaking to himself.

“At that time, I was the most aroused. When I called your name.”

That moment. ——In Christoph’s memory, it was a moment of awkwardness and unease, yet it was clearly etched in his mind.

“When I called your name, I could feel that the person I was holding was you.”

Christoph stared at him, stunned. His low, gentle voice, like a sigh, was stirring something deep beneath the dust of memory.

Suddenly, Christoph’s chest ached and burned. As if a great drum was beating in his heart. His face flushed before he could even think about why. His body trembled, as if to say, he already knew the reason.

Richard’s words brushed against Christoph’s memories, stirring the emotions hidden within. What were those emotions? What had he thought, felt, desired in that moment?

——There it was again. Christoph’s chest tightened. He couldn’t breathe easily.

“Christoph.”

Richard whispered again. The moment he heard his name, Christoph’s heart ached. He looked away from the empty space and silently looked at Christoph.

“Nothing arouses me more than your name, than hearing you call my name.”

“……—.“

Christoph froze for a moment, his lips, which had been about to part, pressing tightly together. They had been about to call his name, then stopped.

For some reason, in this moment, he desperately wanted to say his name. Wanted to call out to him. But those ordinary words wouldn’t come out.

“Christoph.”

Richard quietly called again. It wasn’t a call. It was as if he were savoring Christoph’s name on his tongue.

“Christoph.”

He whispered it again. Christoph didn’t know what expression he wore as he looked at him. But one thing he did know was that his face was burning. His breath was hot. He was so flustered he didn’t know what to do.

“Christoph.”

“——Stop saying that.”

Christoph snapped, rubbing his burning face with his hand.

His face continued to burn. His heart was also pounding, relentlessly turbulent.

“Christoph. I never speak empty words to you. Anything I say to you is not a lie or empty flattery. ——Not once since you left Dresden.”

Richard continued, his voice still soft.

Christoph didn’t answer. Didn’t agree, didn’t deny. He simply stared into Richard’s calm eyes. Richard softly called again: “Christoph.”

“——I’m going to bed.”

Christoph muttered.

As he stood and walked towards the bedroom, he passed Richard without looking at him. He couldn’t meet the gaze that kept falling on him.

His face was still burning. Surely anyone could see it, but Richard didn’t say anything.

Christoph paused just before the bedroom door. He hesitated for a few seconds, then whispered, so softly it was almost inaudible:

“Good night…… Richard.”

The moment he finished speaking, Christoph closed the bedroom door. Before the door clicked shut, he caught a glimpse of Richard’s back. His face was flushed crimson.