/Flashback/

When looking back, the signs had appeared months ago. No, if he considers the possibility, he should go back even further, many years ago. Perhaps the signs began when his brother was trapped on that damn island off the eastern coast of Africa.

But he tried to turn away and ignore it until reality became unavoidable. And it appeared in the form of his brother.

That day, while he was trimming the overgrown weeds behind the house – something Peter had strictly checked on a few times – an unexpected guest appeared. It was his brother, who was supposed to be in the blazing hot desert.

‘Jaeui? Is that really Jaeui-hyung?!’

He raised the hand holding the sickle and wiped the sweat from his nose with his forearm, blinking as he saw Jaeui, who suddenly appeared from the corner of the yard. Jaeui chuckled, walking behind Kyle, who was leading the way. Jaeui made an odd compliment: ‘What an old but beautiful house’. Jaeui turned back to look at him and called his name: ‘Taeui?’

He put the sickle down in the nearby soil bag and walked toward Jaeui. When he felt the warmth of his brother as Jaeui lightly hugged him in greeting, it finally hit him that Jaeui was really there.

‘Why did you come so unexpectedly?’

‘Ah… it’s just…’

It wasn’t just.

That vague ‘Ah…’ at the beginning was typical of how Jaeui spoke, always causing doubt. Usually, Jaeui would think carefully before speaking or talk slowly, but rarely hesitated when answering.

Jaeui must have noticed the curiosity in his eyes because a fleeting, indescribable expression crossed his usually calm face.

When he looked over at Kyle, confused, Kyle simply raised an eyebrow cheerfully.

‘About two hours ago, Jaeui called me. He said he had just arrived at Tegel Airport and asked if he could stay for a few days, so I happily invited him. Since we wanted to surprise you, we didn’t tell you in advance. So, surprised?’

‘Yeah, of course…’

But if he had only contacted Kyle two hours ago, wouldn’t it also be a surprise for Kyle? He mumbled to himself while scratching his head.

However, behind the person who claimed he had dropped everything to welcome the esteemed guest and was now standing at the entrance to the backyard was James. James was tightly clutching his briefcase and looked at Taeui with a gloomy expression. Taeui pretended not to see James and quickly led the way into the house.

‘Come in, Jaeui-hyung, I’ll show you to the living room. And Kyle, you should change your clothes… or get back to your unfinished business with James if you’re not done yet.’

Taeui said while gently pushing Jaeui from behind, ushering him into the house. As he led his brother to the living room, Taeui thought to himself that James must have been an incredibly patient person in a previous life, like a Buddha. But those thoughts quickly faded as he became preoccupied with getting his brother settled in.

Although Jaeui’s face remained as calm as always and he followed him peacefully, Taeui suddenly noticed that Jaeui hadn’t brought any luggage. In the pocket of his coat, there was only a small corner of his passport sticking out, and it seemed like that was all Jaeui had with him.

Jaeui was never one to carry many belongings, but he looked as if he had just been thrown out without the chance to pack anything. Thrown out…

‘Did you get kicked out of there?’

Taeui asked nonchalantly while picking out a few of his own clothes to help Jaeui change, standing on the balcony adjacent to the living room where Jaeui was sitting comfortably on a wooden chair.

‘No’ – Jaeui shook his head in response.

Taeui simply nodded in agreement. Of course, there was no way they would kick him out. Someone as powerful as that in the Middle East had used every means and taken years to pull his brother into their organization. It had only been a few months since they had brought him to Riyadh, so there was no way they would kick him out so quickly.

‘Then why did you come so suddenly? Are you on leave?’

‘Yeah, I guess so.’

‘Guess so? Why does that sound uncertain for a leave?’

‘I requested a few days off, but I haven’t received a reply yet.’

‘What…?’

‘It’s fine. They didn’t say I couldn’t go.’

Jaeui spoke while lightly waving his hand. Looking at his calm face, Taeui should have felt reassured, but instead, he felt anything but…..,……

Although Jaeui always had an air of unpredictability, coming here without any prior notice was completely unlike him.

‘Is something wrong?’

‘Ah… nothing.’

There was that vague ‘Ah…’ again.

Taeui scratched his head and looked at Jaeui suspiciously, but in the end, he just sighed in resignation and decided not to overthink it.

If there was something to say, Jaeui would say it. If not, he would remain silent. That was always how Jaeui handled things. He would reflect deeply and make the best decision for himself.

Besides, Taeui decided to focus on spending a good time with Jaeui, rather than worrying about unspoken things.

But most importantly…

‘Mr. Jaeil, earlier I revisited the hypothesis you mentioned about Pablo Fibro. You were right, in the 1879 version, he based his proof on a different premise than the original one. Clearly, he had identified the flaw in the initial argument at the end.’

Kyle entered the room, his voice loud and enthusiastic, holding a worn-out old book. Seeing the situation, Taeui realized he might have to give up his brother to Kyle for a while.

But then again, it was fine.

In this case, the best thing Taeui could do was welcome his brother wholeheartedly and enjoy the brief time they had together.

Perhaps no one could be more removed from the concept of ‘worry’ than Jaeui. Instead of worrying about a man born under such a lucky star, it might be more reasonable to worry that the sky would fall.

The timing of his appearance this time also proved that point.

Just this morning, Ilay – the one who had once half-jokingly, half-seriously hunted Jaeui’s life – received a short-term mission and left Berlin. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect. Maybe that’s why Taeui could picture it so clearly in his mind: the day Jaeui leaves will surely be the day Ilay returns.

Still, Taeui was grateful that at least he wouldn’t have to witness the two of them under the same roof. He decided to enjoy this short time with his brother without having to worry about that.

When thinking back, how long had it been since the two brothers could calmly sit under the same roof like this?

Though Kyle would occasionally bring old books to discuss with Jaeui, causing James’ sharp gaze to unintentionally land on Taeui, or when Ilay called late at night and upon hearing that Jaeui was there, fell into an uncomfortable silence for a few seconds – most of the time, the two brothers were in the same quiet space but spent more time separately than engaging in intimate conversations. Even so, Taeui still felt very satisfied.

On a peaceful night, a few days after Jaeui’s arrival, Taeui sat beside him, both lost in thought, sipping just-chilled beer and listening to the sounds of the night insects. He couldn’t feel more content.

‘Taeui.’

After a long silence, Jaeui gently called Taeui’s name. Taeui with his eyes half-closed in a sleepy daze, replied: ‘Yes…?’

‘Do you think life is better with a lover or without one?’

However, the moment that calm voice asked the question, the peaceful and relaxed feeling instantly vanished, and sleep fled from his eyes.

‘Huh…? Um… well…’

‘Although it might depend on the situation, overall, I think it’s better.’ – Taeui mumbled, looking at Jaeui with curiosity. This was a topic he had never heard his brother bring up before.

But Jaeui continued with a serious tone.

‘Even if that person is someone you have feelings for, but those feelings are so vague that you have to assess them yourself, what then?’

‘You mean, is it still better to have a lover even if you’re not really sure you want one? Hmm… it depends on the person. If it’s just a temporary solution until you meet someone better, I wouldn’t recommend it. But if it’s not the second option, and simply a question of whether it’s better to have someone or not, then I think having a lover is still better.’

Taeui hadn’t really thought deeply about this before, so he furrowed his brows in contemplation. However, it wasn’t a difficult question to answer, so he responded easily.

He believed that in any relationship, if it provided the opportunity to gain something intangible and positive, then it was better to have it. Moreover, in some cases, even a relationship that served as a substitute might not necessarily be a bad thing. Relationships and emotions always change in ways that we cannot foresee.

Exactly, just like in his own case. Even though now he can call that man his lover – though the thought and the words would never come out naturally, even if forced – it’s still what we’ve become. However, from the very beginning, that man never appeared to him as an ‘ideal lover’ that could have led to what theu have now. Absolutely not.

When he think back to the moment he first met Ilay Riegrow, to the first time he heard the rumors about him, and to the first time he watched those horror-movie-like, bloody scenes of his, not for a second did he think he’d have the kind of relationship he have now with that man.

How could he have ever imagined someone would get involved with such a madman? And even more so, how could he have imagined that someone would be him…

‘………’

As these thoughts ran through his mind, making Taeui feel a little downcast, he quickly shook his head to dispel them. He then refocused his attention on Jaeui.

If his brother had found a lover, that would be something to celebrate. It would be wonderful if someone like Jaeui, who was living far from home and in loneliness, had a family, a place of emotional support to lean on.

However…

‘But…..,……,…… why are you asking about this? It’s not something you usually talk about.’

Something was nagging at the back of his mind. He thought, no way, surely not, but as he recalled the words and actions of someone from the past, a vague sense of dread loomed over him like a shadow. And that person was now right beside Jaeui.

Taeui quietly looked at his brother, but Jaeui didn’t speak immediately. He lowered his head a little as if deep in thought or perhaps slightly embarrassed, and then, finally, he spoke slowly.

‘Abdul Rahman said he wants to be my lover.’

Damn it. The bad feeling had come true.

In the end, that man had said it.

He’d gone so far as to set aside religion, honor, common sense, and even the past. He’d actually said it.

But hearing his brother say it so frankly made what Taeui had only vaguely worried about before now turn into a stark reality right in front of him. After a brief pause, he asked again.

‘He’s joking, right?’

‘Yeah, I asked him the same thing. But he said he wasn’t joking.’

‘So then…’

‘I also asked if it was for political reasons. He said no.’

‘……’

‘Then I asked if it was for strategic reasons, and again, he said no.’

If it were for economic reasons, that definitely wasn’t the case either. It seemed his brother had carefully considered every possible angle. Though the simplest conclusion was the one being pushed aside. Normally, people would joke about something like this and then brush it off, but the problem was that his brother wasn’t someone who lacked perceptiveness.

‘So… then what?’

Taeui asked after every conceivable theory had been brought up.

‘So, after thinking for a bit longer, I asked if he wanted to take my ‘sperm’. He stayed silent for a while and then said no.’

At that moment, Jaeui’s calm response left Taeui utterly speechless.

Suddenly, he felt pity for the man. Clearly, that person must have mentally prepared himself, carefully weighing the situation and timing before saying it, yet his intentions had been twisted in every possible way, and now it had even become dehumanized.

But at the same time, when Taeui thought about the people in the past who had lusted after his brother, he understood what they desired from Jaeui. His heart ached as he recalled how his brother had asked such things with that same composed expression.

Unable to hold back, he blurted something out. Something he didn’t even really want to say.

‘It’s probably just that he genuinely likes you, in the most simple way.’

Jaeui seemed to be reconsidering this.

But how could Jaeui not know? It wasn’t just intuition; the other person’s words had made it clear.

‘Yeah, that’s probably it.’

In the end, Jaeui nodded and whispered, as if he had finally found the answer to a question that even he had found difficult to assess earlier.

Taeui looked at the beer can in his hand with a sense of regret; the buzz had vanished instantly. He figured there was no point in drinking more, as he wouldn’t be able to taste anything now.

His emotions were complicated.

Even though he himself was living with a man, to be honest, he still hoped his brother would follow a more ‘normal’ path. While life is unpredictable, he knew that the chances of finding ‘simple and natural happiness’ would be much greater if his brother chose that route.

However…

Taeui glanced at his brother, who was deep in thought, and sighed. If this weren’t something worth worrying about, Jaeui wouldn’t be pondering it in the first place. There would have been no need to bring it up.

But the fact that Jaeui was thinking about it…

‘……’

There was something that had seemed off to Taeui from the moment Jaeui appeared.

‘So… what do you want to do?’

‘…… It’s strange to me that he likes me, but I don’t feel uncomfortable about it. He’s kind and good-hearted. To me, at least. Hmm, a lover… honestly, I can’t really picture it, but maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. No, maybe even…’

Jaeui fell into silence for a long time, and then his gaze seemed to soften.

Perhaps, over time, unnoticed, the trust and warmth they had built gradually mixed together and started to surface in Jaeui’s mind.

Seeing that small change, Taeui felt as though he had found the answer for his brother. He scratched his head awkwardly, muttering under his breath, and then patted Jaeui gently on the shoulder.

‘Don’t overthink it. If you like him, then you like him. If you don’t, then you don’t. Whatever happens, I’ll always be on your side.’

Jaeui lifted his head and gave him a look, a faint smile crossing his face. When Taeui saw Jaeui nodding slightly with a warm smile, he silently prayed that luck would smile on his brother this time. He hoped that everything would go smoothly for Jaeui, as it had always done in the past.

… But regardless of that.

He thought to himself: ‘Do your best, and let fate decide the outcome’. Even if it wouldn’t make much of a difference, he should still do the smallest thing he could.

(*진인사대천명, 盡人事待天命: Do your best, and leave the rest to fate.)

‘But hey, hyung… about that… the receiving end, it’s going to hurt a lot.’

Taeui spoke with vague words, but he knew that his smart older brother would understand exactly what he meant.

His patient and calm brother, surprisingly, had a notable aversion to physical pain. Perhaps it was because Jaeui had been frequently ill and hospitalized as a child, or maybe it was because he hadn’t experienced much external pain in his daily life. Whatever the reason, his brother despised pain far more than Taeui, who didn’t care much about minor discomforts.

As expected, a new look of concern appeared on his brother’s face.

‘Will it hurt a lot?’

‘Of course. It’s not meant to go that way, the direction’s off, and most importantly, the size… it’s definitely not something you see in the bathroom every day.’

Taeui suddenly felt the conversation was veering into something slightly gross, but he remained firm in making his point. After speaking, he realized he wasn’t exactly sure about the size, but whatever, it wasn’t like his brother would know either…

‘Oh, the size… Yeah, Abdul Rahman is… well, yeah, his size is definitely bigger than what most people can handle. Plus, for a grown man, it gets even bigger when aroused…’

Wait, hyung! How do you know his size?!

Taeui’s eyes widened, and it felt like a bucket of ice water had been dumped over his head, snapping him completely awake. But Jaeui didn’t seem to notice, continuing to frown with embarrassment as he muttered to himself, recalling some uncomfortable memory from the past. Before Taeui could even ask, Jaeui suddenly frowned deeper and looked at his younger brother.

‘Taeui, are you okay?’

‘Huh?’

‘When you were with Rick… You didn’t look like you were doing okay.’

His brother’s worried voice was a knockout blow for Taeui.

He wondered: ‘How on earth does hyung know that guy’s size…?’

Even though the alcohol had completely worn off, Taeui now felt dizzy, unconsciously rubbing his temples.

‘Um… Where did you… see that?’

‘At the hospital in Frankfurt. When you were admitted.’

‘Ah, the hospital…’

At that moment, memories of that horrifying night resurfaced, and Taeui instinctively placed his hand on his chest to calm his racing heart.

Right, the hospital. Even if you didn’t want to see, there were endless opportunities.

Especially with someone like Rick, a guy who seemed to have no shame. It wouldn’t be surprising if he had changed clothes right in the crowded hallway of that chaotic hospital, where patients were being brought in non-stop.

After hearing his brother’s words, the image of Jaeui possibly catching a glimpse of Abdul Rahman’s private areas crossed his mind, and Taeui felt utterly disheartened. He had no desire left to finish his beer, so he tossed the can straight into the trash.

When his eyes met Jaeui’s, Taeui simply sighed.

‘I’m fine… I really am. There’s no problem with him, honestly.’

As he noticed the worry in his brother’s eyes beginning to ease, Taeui gave a faint smile.
Who would believe that he really had no issues with Ilay Riegrow? But it was the truth. At least, that’s what Taeui thought.

Although in the past, there had been countless problems, both big and small, and considering the unpredictable nature of the other man and the accumulated grudges from before, the future was anything but certain. But at least, for now, there was no problem.
Wasn’t that enough?

Taeui shrugged, and after a moment of silence, Jaeui’s lips curved into a soft smile. Seeing his brother nod and say: ‘Umm’, as if he had come to some understanding, made Taeui feel a little more at ease.

But no. Wait. That’s not what they were discussing.

‘Oh, but, aside from all that, it really did hurt at first. Yeah, I thought I was going to die. It stayed painful for a long time. So, think carefully. The receiving end—it really hurts, hyung.’

Who would have thought there would come a day when he’d sit down and have this kind of conversation with his brother? Life was truly unpredictable.

When Taeui saw Jaeui’s expression gradually turn serious and rigid, he couldn’t help but feel a bit pleased inside.

At least, with this, his brother wouldn’t end up in a situation where he’d be the one being overpowered. That would ease the burden on his body. Not that Taeui wanted to imagine his brother taking the lead either, but still..,…

As if fully understanding Taeui’s point, Jaeui gave a slight, serious nod and shifted the conversation.

Once things had settled down, Taeui found himself craving another beer – not just for a variety of reasons, but because everything was getting complicated in his mind. He walked to the fridge, grabbed another can, and popped it open. Jaeui accepted the beer casually as well, and the two brothers clinked their cans lightly before each taking a drink in silence.

Perhaps the thoughts swirling around in Taeui and Jaeui’s heads were the same, or maybe they were different. But neither felt the need to confirm anything aloud. They only occasionally exchanged small remarks like, ‘The sound of insects is the same everywhere,’ or ‘But sometimes, when you see those bugs crawling into the house, they look completely different.’

Not long after, Jaeui left.

Taeui wasn’t sure if his brother’s sudden visit was just to ease his mind a bit, or if there had been some shift in his mood.

But, as usual, Jaeui didn’t offer a clear or straightforward explanation, and Taeui didn’t press for one. They simply said their goodbyes, promising to see each other again without knowing when that would be. That was how it ended.

And, as expected, later that afternoon, Ilay returned. When he heard that Jaeui had left, he pursed his lips, clicked his tongue, and remained silent. No doubt, he was thinking the same thing Taeui had been thinking. Jeong Jaeui truly was someone born under a special lucky star.

‘Ha ha ha…’

/End of flashback/