Bonus Track 2 – Vol 5: Secret Words (3)
“A courageous and righteous intention does not always lead to the expected outcome.”
Hans stood with his hands clasped together, his head bowed low like a guilty man, staring blankly at his own palms. And three meters away from him, separated by a large work desk, sat Richard, imposing and unmoving.
“Hans? We need to talk.”
Just that single sentence in the early morning call had been enough to summon Hans here, his heart as heavy as a steer being led to the slaughterhouse.
The bright morning sunlight streamed through Richard’s back as he faced the window. Hans – who had stayed up all night – glanced at him while massaging his temples lightly, while Richard looked as fresh as if he had just enjoyed a good night’s sleep.
“——So, according to Himmel, you believed I forced Christoph, which is why you acted like that?”
“……”
Richard let out a mocking laugh. Hans remained silent, merely curling his lips slightly.
“Well? Do you think so too? After witnessing last night, you understand, don’t you?”
“……Not exactly……, not to that extent, but……”
“Not to that extent?”
“……But it wasn’t exactly harmonious or consensual either…… It seemed a little forced……”
He still didn’t understand what he was saying. It seemed Richard didn’t either—he tapped the desk with his knuckle. It was a familiar gesture, one he often used to pressure subordinates into providing full reports.
When Hans saw that mannerism, his pent-up grievances suddenly surged forth alongside his fury.
“Let’s be honest! There was undeniably an element of coercion from an outsider’s perspective, wasn’t there? Why did you have to tie him up and then do… that?!”
Hans growled, his voice like a shout. Richard replied calmly, not even blinking:
“If I didn’t tie him up, I couldn’t have gagged him.”
“——Why did you need to gag him?!”
‘Then isn’t that just rape?!’ – Hans gritted his teeth, fists clenched. Richard frowned and clicked his tongue:
“If I didn’t gag him, Christoph would’ve spilled everything before anything even started. Leaving me no room to act further.”
“What are you trying to say——”
Hans suddenly stopped. A thought flashed through his mind like lightning.
Last night, when Hans had shouted between the two of them, Christoph had hastily opened his mouth, as if afraid to miss that rare moment. What had he said again?
“If he had spoken those words, everything would’ve ultimately gone his way. But lately, he’s been trying to say them too soon, so I had to gag him. ——Everything was going smoothly until you interfered, Hans.”
“——”
Hans gaped, utterly speechless. That reproach wasn’t entirely wrong, but the sense of injustice still churned within him, making him mutter under his breath:
“But… you went too far too. No matter what, shoving something that huge in and then doing it yourself… can you really call that reasonable?”
Yet the moment Richard’s icy gaze shot his way, his voice instinctively shrank to a murmur.
“I only wanted to observe Christoph’s reaction—I didn’t actually insert it. It wasn’t time yet.”
“……Wasn’t time yet……”
Hans trembled as a premonition of a grim future seized him. He wanted to scream at Christoph to run, but doing so would only bring disaster upon himself first.
Richard exhaled in irritation. He leaned back in his chair, furrowing his brow as he studied Hans:
“Still, you’ve been by my side for years. I’d thought you understood me at least somewhat, Hans.”
“……”
“Did you really think I’d harm him?”
That——wasn’t the case.
He could say so with absolute certainty.
Richard would not harm Christoph. No, could not harm Christoph.
A man who had always looked at Christoph with eyes burning with fervor and caution, as if gazing upon a priceless treasure every time they met? ——There was no way he could ever do such a thing.
The moment this thought flashed through his mind, Hans suddenly went “Ahh” in belated realization.
That’s right. Absolutely impossible. Even if he wanted to, this man couldn’t possibly harm Christoph.
How foolish, he’d let himself be misled by those distracting minor details. The very premise had been impossible from the start.
“And one more thing—who do you think Christoph is?”
“Huh……?”
Caught off guard by the sudden question, Hans responded dumbly.
Who was Christoph? A cousin of the Tarten family, currently assisting with work at T&R Berlin, previously……
“You really think someone like him could be forced?”
“——”
Right. Once again, he’d been stupid enough to forget.
Just what kind of person Christoph Tarten was.
A butcher with the face of a god…… Hans nearly blurted out before clamping his mouth shut. But Richard must have guessed what he meant to say. The man gave a faint snort of laughter.
“If he wanted to, he could twist my neck anytime. Someone like that—and you call it rape?”
“……But you’re still the type who gets what you want, even if it means getting your neck twisted……”
Richard slightly furrowed his brows but didn’t deny it. Instead, he sank deeper into his chair.
After a moment of contemplation, he slowly spoke:
“His ignorance is better. Makes it easier to lead him according to my preferences…… But tell me, Hans? If his nature truly didn’t lean that way, no matter how I tried to guide him, it’d be useless. Meaning——”
“——”
“He was compatible with me from the very beginning.”
Had been his since the dawn of time. Inherently. Only suited for him—and him alone. Meant solely for him.
“……What forced logic……”
“No, I’m being honest, Hans.”
Richard gave a slight shrug. This wasn’t an excuse or a joke – he was speaking truth with utterly calm delivery.
“I would never hurt him…… Couldn’t. I’m incapable of doing anything except what he wants.”
His voice lowered. Sometimes self-deprecating, sometimes satisfied, yet within that strange tone clearly lay sincerity.
Nothing except what Christoph wanted.
Faced with this genuine confession, Hans could only stare in silence.
**************
“I won’t say much. Just one reminder: No matter what you see later, never interfere in their relationship. Otherwise, you’ll only bring harm upon yourself.”
Hans spoke bluntly to Himmel before leaving.
Himmel looked at him with deep suspicion, then cautiously asked:
“Really? ……Can I trust this?”
“Yeah.”
Himmel’s face still showed doubt after hearing those words, but upon seeing Hans’ haggard appearance after one night, he swallowed dryly and nodded. Hans sighed and added:
“Seriously, they’re perfectly fine. At least in their own private world.”
Even though he felt like he’d aged a hundred years in just one night,
Yet when hearing Hans’ exhausted voice, Himmel seemed to believe the sincerity in his words. He nodded, his expression slightly more at ease.
Hans waved his hand to dismiss Himmel, then let out a long sigh.
Utterly drained. Sunday was nearly over and he hadn’t gotten proper rest – it felt like his entire weekend had been squeezed dry.
Groaning: “Oh god……”, while rubbing his sore shoulders, Hans turned his gaze to the window where the afternoon light was beginning to cast long shadows.
Christoph was emerging from the West Wing. Judging by his neat appearance, he was likely preparing to return to Berlin. Not surprising—it was already time for his Sunday evening departure.
After this morning’s confrontation with Richard, Hans dragged his heavy-hearted steps through the hallway, then stealthily peeked into Christoph’s room.
Who knew how many hours of sleep he’d gotten last night, but Christoph remained curled under the blankets, eyes swollen, shooting Hans a resentful glance before mumbling in a sleep-thickened voice:
“Even if you say that level is normal…… how do people actually do it……?”
Hans didn’t dare answer immediately, both understanding and not understanding what he meant. Christoph pouted in silence for a moment, then burst out irritably:
“Watching those videos you sent, some people take three of those things. So two should be nothing……. but I can’t manage it.”
Christoph shivered as he pulled the blanket over his face.
“Never have I felt so powerless.” – Christoph, who always excelled beyond everyone else in everything, whispered in gloom.
Hans had a dozen things he wanted to say but swallowed them all. After much hemming and hawing, he finally uttered:
“Well… if you really can’t take it, maybe don’t force yourself…?”
If Richard heard this, he’d fly into a rage. But Hans couldn’t help saying it out of pity for this poor young man.
Yet after a long silence, Christoph clicked his tongue:
“But he wants it that way.”
“——”
He still wanted to indulge him. It was just unfamiliarity, because it felt strange, he kept instinctively asking to stop.
Yet he still wanted to fulfill his desires, even if only bit by bit. And though sometimes – no, actually quite often – it was terrifying, he didn’t exactly hate it.
He liked those moments when he made him happy.
“——So…… you’re alright then?” – Hans asked.
Those blue eyes, lost in thought, glanced at Hans. Christoph hesitated momentarily before nodding, neither hesitant nor dishonest.
“Anyway, things are getting better. Both for him, and for me. …Seems we’re making decent progress.”
Making decent progress.
That was how Christoph viewed their relationship.
And it was undoubtedly true. Because Christoph wasn’t stupid, nor was he foolish.
The weight in Hans’ chest lightened. Simultaneously, he relaxed his mind and suddenly realized:
‘Ah……. they’re gradually harmonizing in their own way.’
Just as Hans sighed in quiet relief, Christoph nodded to himself:
“Besides…….. if everyone else can do it, there’s no reason I can’t either. Succeeding does bring some sense of achievement……. Though the process is difficult, it ultimately feels satisfying.”
“Guess this is why people endure such challenging things…” – He nodded as if having convinced himself.
“……”
……Not stupid, not foolish… but perhaps excessively naive…
Hans’ recently lightened breath suddenly caught in his throat. Whether due to mood or not, his heart that had just felt weightless now hung heavy as if laden with stones.
“——I’m incapable of doing anything except what he wants.”
Suddenly, Richard’s earlier words resurfaced in Hans’ mind…… So that’s how it was. He had meticulously guided and skillfully manipulated the young man into genuinely craving what he desired.
Unable to bear saying anything more, Hans quietly left Christoph’s room.
It seemed…… while not coercion, but a genuine deception was taking place……, watching Christoph’s retreating figure disappear into the distance, Hans gulped down the lukewarm cabbage juice in one go, the sensation of being an accomplice likely to give him stomach pains for quite some time yet.
At that precise moment, Richard came hurrying out from the East Wing. Probably occupied with work when he suddenly noticed Christoph leaving, now frantically chasing after him.
It was unclear whether he had called out loudly, but Christoph turned around nonetheless. His typically cold, statue-like face softened slightly. That irritated frown somehow looked warmer and more relaxed than any smile……, truly perplexing.
Richard quickly caught up, snatched the car keys from Christoph’s hand, and strode ahead to lead the way. He intended to personally drive him back to Berlin.
Though years had passed like this, every separation – even if just for a few days – still filled him with regret, as if wanting to prolong each remaining second.
Christoph muttered some complaint – probably grumbling about being capable of driving himself – but ultimately followed obediently. Richard casually grasped Christoph’s wrist and pulled him along.
“……”
Hans leaned against the doorway watching their retreating figures, unconsciously relaxing his shoulders.
Right. No matter how you look at it……
This was all it ever came down to.
Richard couldn’t force Christoph to do anything he truly didn’t want.
Christoph in turn wanted to fulfill Richard’s every desire.
Thus they filled the spaces between them. Even if it appeared lopsided, no actual gaps existed in their relationship.
Hans sighed. His final exhale escaped alongside an empty smile.
This was enough.
There was no need, nor any way, to interfere in their world. Just like this, hand in hand, they walked side by side.
[END BONUS TRACK]
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