Vol 2 – Chapter 11: Confession 4
Interpreting Jeong Taeuiâs wide-eyed silence in his own way, Christoph clicked his tongue and sighed.
“Well, sure, you could settle for petting. If weâre just talking about release, thereâs always handjobs or oralâand yeah, you could technically call that sexâbut fundamentally, if you canât physically unite, then what holds the relationship together has to be emotion.”
It felt novel to hear such words from someone whose emotions’ existence was questionable, but Jeong Taeui wasn’t in a state to appreciate this new feeling.
While Jeong Taeui was staring blankly at Christoph, unable to say anything, Christoph looked at Ilay, who was smoking as if nothing had happened.
âI never thought he would willingly accept abstinence, so I always thought you and this man just had an unusually close relationshipâŠâŠ. But now I guess that’s not the case.â
His voice had a hint of irritation. The corner of Christoph’s mouth lifted slightly, like a child sulking in dissatisfaction.
As he looked down, Christoph’s lower eyelashes seemed to tremble slightly, reflecting a gloomy light.
There was no time to ponder why Christoph’s mood suddenly dropped like that; Jeong Taeui just stared blankly at him.
Then Christoph suddenly looked up, handed Jeong Taeui the bottle of medicine he was holding, and spoke in his usual cold tone.
âApply this to that bruise. Those bruises all over you look ugly. It’s uncomfortable to see you walking around in that state.â
Christoph said coldly and stood there silently for a moment. Jeong Taeui took the bottle from his hand and stared at his icy face.
The silence felt somewhat forced.
Christoph looked intently at Jeong Taeui, seemingly glaring at him. Jeong Taeui couldn’t understand Christoph’s mood at that moment. Christoph took a step back and spoke as he retreated.
âI need to go eat nowâŠâŠ. I want both of you out of my room before I get back.â
Whether it was due to his mood or not, a cold wind seemed to blow into Christoph’s voice.
Jeong Taeui wanted to say something, but his frozen body wouldn’t move.
In the meantime, the door closed.
The room remained silent.
The silence made time feel longer than ever, and when Jeong Taeui could move, nearly a minute had passed since the door had closed.
âWhat did Christoph just say?â
Jeong Taeui suddenly asked while looking at the closed door.
âI think he said there’s no love more pure and sincere than the love between same-sex partners.â
Ilay answered with a disinterested attitude.
Jeong Taeui looked at him in confusion as he almost finished his cigarette, then turned to look at the door.
He wasn’t sure what he was expecting. Maybe he thought the door would suddenly open, and Christoph would step in and say with his usual cold demeanor, ‘I was just joking.’
However, even if Jeong Taeui waited a little longer, there was no sign of that happening, and no sign of anyone appearing outside the door.
ââŠâŠ.â
Perhaps those were sincere words. It seemed Christoph was serious and not joking.
But no, that couldn’t be.
âI have no prejudice against homosexuality.â – Suddenly, Jeong Taeui recalled Christoph’s first statement.
Now Jeong Taeui really wanted to shout in Christoph’s face: ‘No, you definitely have extreme prejudice.’
ââŠâŠHow could this be?â
Jeong Taeui mumbled, almost unable to support his body as it was losing strength and collapsing. Shock filled his eyes again. He reflected on what Christoph had said not long ago.
âSame-sex relationships are different; apart from pure emotions, there’s no other way to maintain them.â
âThereâs no such thing as sexual relations between people of the same sex?â
“No, that can’t be. This seems like a unique joke in Christoph’s style. If notâŠ.”
Jeong Taeui shook his head.
Yes, if not, how could someone at his age and in this environment think that way?
Jeong Taeui looked back at Ilay. He had finished his cigarette and seemed satisfied with the taste. He took out a new one and checked the brand name.
Jeong Taeui looked at Ilay with suspicion, wondering if he was the only one who misheard something. Then, perhaps sensing his gaze, Ilay put the cigarette back in the box, closed the lid, and looked at Jeong Taeui with an indifferent expression.
“Why do you look so glum?”
âFrom what I heard, it seems Christoph views physical relationships between men as very pure.â
âCoincidence. I heard the same thing.â
ââŠâŠ.â
âWhy??â
Jeong Taeui glared at Ilay, who acted as if there was nothing surprising. He tilted his neck from side to side, the bones cracking loudly as if it hurt.
âIf I didn’t know he was an ‘ascetic*’, our 30-year relationship would be useless.â
(*Aescetic: An ascetic is a person who practices severe self-discipline and abstention from all forms of indulgence, typically for religious or spiritual reasons. Ascetics often lead simple, austere lives, foregoing material comforts and pleasures to focus on spiritual goals or moral discipline.)
Jeong Taeui grabbed Ilay, who spoke indifferently. Finally, unable to bear it any longer, he raised his voice.
âIs it believable?! I heard he spent a few years in an all-male mobile unit, didn’t I? Moreover, even when he was called up as a mercenary, surrounded by thugs, weren’t there plenty of men craving women?â
âOh, probably.â
âBesides, look at his face! He looks like that! Isn’t everyone in the world interested in art and wants to appreciate beautiful works? How can he be like that?!âŠNo. Common sense says it’s unbelievable. These days, just watching TV is enough to know about same-sex relationships!â
âHe doesnât watch TV. He probably doesnât watch movies either.â
“But he reads books.”
âThe books he likes to read are about anthropology and philosophy. The only books I’ve seen that mention homosexuality were a few aesthetic works.â
Jeong Taeui remained silent.
He was extremely shocked, but this man remained utterly calm.
Wasnât his attitude strange?
ââŠâŠ So what about the mobile team? Didnât anyone try to approach Christoph? Isnât there anyone there with that preference?â
âNo, there are a few.â
âBut?â
When Jeong Taeui asked, Ilay sighed, “Hmm.”
Then he waved his finger in the air and remained silent for a while.
Jeong Taeui’s life often put him in all-male environments, partly by choice and partly by force.
From middle school to High school, he attended all-boys schools. The only women he encountered then were teachers and cafeteria staff. Later, when he went to University, he attended a Military Academy.
Although the school had accepted female students for the past ten years, the number of female students was still less than that of male students.
From there, he went straight into the military, stayed there for a few years, and then, a few months after leaving, he was (forced) to join the UNHRDO Asia branch by his uncle. They said that other branches had female members, but not the Asia branch.
If Jeong Taeui had not been inclined to be attracted to people of the same sex, his life would have been utterly bleak, and he would soon have become a monk.
Having been in such circumstances, Jeong Taeui could only consider Christoph’s ignorance about same-sex relationships as either a lie or something incredibly miraculous.
Moreover, with his striking appearance, there would undoubtedly always be someone drawn to him. In the worst case, someone might even try to assault him.
So naturally, even if Christoph wasn’t a victim, he couldn’t be ignorant of such matters because rumors would always spread in such environments.
However.
A pure relationship maintained by innocent emotions. Along with abstinence. These words sounded strange.
Jeong Taeui was almost lost with a blank face.
âStill, how can this happen?â
Ilay had been silent for a while, thinking about something, then slowly opened his mouth.
âBut think about it.â
âWhat?â
âWhat if it were you?â
“Huh?”
âHe always appears covered in blood from head to toe. And when someone disobeys him, he will immediately handle them; that’s his nature. Also, he doesn’t like physical contact with others. So, what now? Do you still dare touch him?â
ââŠâŠ.â
Jeong Taeui stared blankly at Ilay.
The thoughts that had been distracted by the earlier shock gradually returned.
Yes, thinking about it, Ilay wasn’t wrong. Christophâs temperament was always volatile; he often didn’t like people in his room and didn’t like being touched even through clothes. Even his ability to kill was exceptional.
ââŠâŠ Ah.”
Only then did Jeong Taeui understand Ilay’s indifferent expression at Christoph’s words.
Now Jeong Taeui was completely convinced. It was hard to believe, but given Christoph’s personality and environment, it wasn’t impossible.
ââŠâŠ.âŠâŠ But he still knows about relationships between men and women. So he must not be a virgin.â
Jeong Taeui blurted out about someone else’s sexual matters, then fell silent, surprised at what he had said.
However, after thinking it over once more, he felt it was entirely possible for Christoph to still be a virgin. After all, his aversion to physical contact wasn’t just for men.
ââŠâŠ.â
ââŠâŠ.â
The room fell into silence once again.
************
A Day Off.
Although it was a day off, for Jeong Taeui, there wasn’t much difference between a day off and a regular day. This was because Christoph would constantly harass him and make him run errands.
However, the atmosphere in the house was different this time. There were more people than usual gathered in the main building, Donik and Seik.
Among those who usually had to go out to work, quite a few chose to rest at home instead of traveling or going out despite being on a long holiday.
Therefore, someone like him, who is always very free whether it’s a holiday or a regular day, naturally feels uncomfortable inside.
Although he tried to find places that were usually less frequented, like the tower with the small garden, those places were now more crowded than usual.
This place is usually almost deserted, and even today, there aren’t many people. However, because Jeong Taeui was accustomed to the nearly empty scene, he now felt it was very crowded even when there were only one or two people in that isolated tower.
“It’s true that being comfortable for too long makes it hard to endure hardship. Getting used to luxuryâŠâ
Jeong Taeui shook his head and stepped out of Seik. He wanted to go into the forest.
People here usually only use the roads in the forest that are suitable for horseback riding. As for the other paths, he had never seen anyone else on the small, well-maintained walking trails.
If it was that place, then today it would likely still be devoid of people.
It wasn’t that Jeong Taeui particularly hated people, but when he wanted to rest, he couldn’t relax comfortably if he was with strangers.
While walking into the forest, Jeong Taeui briefly saw someone riding a horse, but it didn’t matter. After all, the horseback riding paths and walking trails were separate. If he wanted to know how many people were riding horses, he could simply check the number of horses left in the stable, and there were still quite a few left. However, whether there were many or few riders wasn’t Jeong Taeui’s concern.
He leisurely strolled on the path leading to the forest entrance.
Jeong Taeui saw two people walking along the path from the main building.
As this was the only road leading to the forest edge, he couldn’t expect them to go anywhere else. In other words, it seemed like they were about to enter the small path he was on.
This was the first time he encountered someone else here. Since the path branched off into several smaller paths, he thought he’d have to take another route and glanced in that direction. But then he involuntarily uttered a sound upon recognizing the person ahead.
It was Richard.
He was leisurely walking, wearing a comfortable shirt and cotton pants, looking like someone who was enjoying a long-awaited vacation.
And next to him was someone Jeong Taeui had never seen before.
The woman was a head shorter than Richard.
If he had seen her before, he would have recognized her, but this was a face he hadn’t seen before, so it seemed she wasn’t among the family members living in this mansion.
ââŠâŠ Oh, I see.â
Jeong Taeui nodded.
Thinking back, he vaguely remembered hearing that Richard was dating someone. He had heard it was a small and adorable woman.
Jeong Taeui looked at the woman with different eyes.
Just as the rumor said, the woman before him had a petite and cute appearance. Her eyes were like those of a deer, with a fragile look that seemed as if even a light touch on her cheek would make her cry. However, the shy smile she gave Richard was incredibly sweet.
Like candy.
Sensing Jeong Taeui’s unwavering gaze, the woman looked up and met his eyes.
Her eyes briefly widened in surprise, then she slightly stepped back behind Richard and said something to him. Richard then looked this way.
“Ah⊠Mr. Kim Yong-Soo.”
When Richard saw Jeong Taeui, his eyes couldn’t hide a moment of surprise, but he quickly regained his usual calm and raised his hand.
Jeong Taeui, considering whether he should take the walking path before they noticed him, had no choice but to stand there, nodding slightly and raising his hand.
Richard immediately walked towards Jeong Taeui. The woman followed behind him with hesitant steps as if she was shy.
The more he looked, the more they seemed like a perfect match.
A tall, handsome man and a small, beautiful, sweet woman like candy.
Suddenly, Jeong Taeui felt a bitter taste in his heart.
At the present time, among the two rivals, one of them seems to have everything. He has a beautiful lover, a handsome son, immense wealth, and the enormous power that will soon fall into his hands in the future.
And what about the other? He had a strong aversion to interacting with others, so he couldn’t even dream of having a lover. He was truly an innocent virgin. He didn’t even seem to have any intention of having children, let alone a son. On top of that, he was burdened with a massive debt that he had to repay to his own family.
Why was life so cruel?
“Christoph. No matter what, Iâm on your side.” – Jeong Taeui mumbled as he gave Richard a mechanical smile.
“Today is a day off, are you on a date?”
Jeong Taeui looked at the woman kindly and asked. Richard smiled and nodded.
“Did you come here for a walk? Many people usually come here because the horse-riding paths are beautifully arrangedâŠâŠ why donât you choose a horse and try riding?â
“AhâŠâŠ I donât know how to ride a horse.â
Jeong Taeui scratched his head and said shyly. Richard nodded and explained about the walking paths in the forest, perhaps thinking Jeong Taeui rarely came here.
“This path has four main branches. Each branch has a few smaller offshoots, but basically, there are four main paths. If you prefer a place with water, take the far right path at the first intersection, then follow the small stream until you reachâŠâŠ Oh, come to think of it, this isn’t your first time here, is it? You’ve been here for a while.”
Richard cheerfully explained but then stopped abruptly and asked Jeong Taeui.
“Yes, I come here occasionally. But I donât know much about the paths in this forest⊠Thanks for telling meâŠ. Thinking about it, I shouldnât bother you when youâre on a date. Which direction are you going?â
Jeong Taeui felt a bit awkward, so he purposely avoided looking at the woman hiding behind Richard, fearing it would make her uncomfortable, as she couldnât even lift her blushing face.
After asking Richard which direction he would go, Jeong Taeui quickly said goodbye and left the place.
Wait a minute, they said they were taking the middle-left path. Then heâll go right. The stream sounds nice too.
Without looking back even once, Jeong Taeui walked steadily and took the far-right path at the first fork.
He had come this way a couple of times before. If he walked for about ten minutes down this trail, a small brook would appear on the right, just as Richardâd said.
After a few steps, Jeong Taeui retied his shoelaces under an oak tree that stood almost blocking the middle of the path. Then, glancing back, he saw the two people who had been following far behind him â keeping pace with the woman â turn onto a different walking trail, just as Richard had said they would.
“What a perfectly matched pair. Quite a sight to see.”
Jeong Taeui let out a sigh as he watched the two figures flicker between the trees before disappearing from view. Then he started walking again.
The woman had such a gentle faceâlike a frightened ball of cotton candy.
“SoâŠâŠ Richard liked that kind of woman.”
Everyone has slightly different preferences, but it seemed that man had a thing for cute, lovable types. Though the vibe was a bit different, it vaguely overlapped with Xinluâs image. Come to think of it, maybe their tastes werenât so different after allâexcept for the extreme contrast in gender.
“âŠâŠ”
When was it? Not too long ago.
He was resting on the rooftop of the watchtower when he happened to run into Ilayâthough given the open layout, Ilayâd probably known he was there before even coming up.
After watching Jeong Taeui rolling around on the smooth, polished marble floor for a while, Ilaysuddenly muttered under his breath.
“WellâŠâŠ fine. If it’s Chris. With that face, thereâs no way youâd get bewitched anyway, so it shouldnât matter much even if heâs by your side.”
He didnât need to reply because Ilay was talking to himself, but Jeong Taeui, who was lying with his head turned towards Ilay â sitting right next to his head â couldnât help but raise his head to look at him.
The reason why he wouldnât be tempted by that face? Besides that face, the personality was what left a strong impressionâbut if itâs just that face, it could easily captivate anyone.
“How peculiarâŠâŠ. I thought my aesthetic sense was similar to that of ordinary peopleâŠâŠ I believed Christoph’s face was exceptionally outstanding.”
“Yeah, his face is truly a masterpiece. Back in the Task Force, there was even a joke that if you got too used to his face, your standards would rise so high youâd struggle to find a lover later.”
“Right, that face is more than enough to bewitch anyone.”
“But that face isnât really your type, is it?”
Ilay said nonchalantly. Jeong Taeui stared blankly at him for a moment before muttering,
“No, itâs not like that. When I look at Christophâs face, I also think itâs beautiful.”
He mumbled something about his aesthetic sense being average, too. As he did, Ilay, who had been fiddling with a cube left behind by some kids on the table, tossed the plastic toy aside.
âBut the type of face you like is someone like Xinlu, right? A sweet and cute face like candy. Isnât that your type?â
Jeong Taeui fiddled with the cube and glanced at Ilay upon hearing those words.
ââŠâŠNow that I think about it, thatâs true.â
He had forgotten about that.
Jeong Taeui seemed to have not thought about his own type ever since it became pointless to consider it.
Come to think of it, Jeong Taeui had always preferred someone petite, cute, and prettyâthe kind who could fit snugly in his arms. Thatâs why heâd been completely smitten when he first met Xinlu.
n. But clearly, the type he was drawn to wasnât necessarily the type heâd end up living with long-term.
And honestly? Ten years ago, Jeong Taeui would never have dreamed heâd someday share his life with a notorious, deranged killerâa bloodthirsty madman whose very name sparked rumors. Back then, whenever he heard news reports about escaped murderers being caught at their loverâs house, heâd think: âWell, Iâm sure he treated her wellâŠâŠ but what on earth was she thinking, living with someone like that?â and feel a pang of pity. Now, the irony wasnât lost on him.
Thatâs why you shouldnât meddle in othersâ affairs. If he had known heâd end up in a similar situation, he wouldnât have said such things.
Jeong Taeui raised his head to look at the tall, handsome man above him. His heart felt complicated.
Perhaps seeing through his mood, Ilay caught the Rubikâs cube that Jeong Taeui was fiddling with and started solving it.
âIf I didnât know your type, I wouldnât have let you be around someone like Christoph.â
Ilay said calmly. Jeong Taeui nodded as he saw the cube being gradually restored to its original shape. “Oh, thatâs right”. If it was Christoph, he would probably lose his temper if he couldnât solve it.
‘But even if my type was someone like ChristophâŠâŠ’
Jeong Taeui looked at the clear blue sky and spoke, but then suddenly fell silent. Ilay had almost solved the cube in that short moment. He glanced at Jeong Taeui but didnât ask what he wanted to say.
“Well, life flows as it should. What will be, will beâŠâŠ que serĂĄ, serĂĄâŠâŠ”
(*Que sera, sera is Spanish for âWhatever will be, will be.â The Japanese also often say ă±ă»ă©ă»ă© âwhatever will be, will be.â)
Jeong Taeui muttered whatever came to mind. And then he slowly thought.
Even if someone who perfectly matched his ideal type were to appear before him now, what would it matter? They wouldnât share the years he had built with him.
“âŠâŠ Then againâŠâŠ if Christoph’s face had been my type, seeing it every day like this mightâve stirred something in me after all.”
Jeong Taeui muttered under his breath, thumping his chest lightly.
The moment the words left his mouth, he startled and glanced around.
Though the secluded forest path was empty â no one couldâve heard himâ he turned to check behind him anyway, then quickened his pace.
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